Soon-to-be Divorcee?

Well, the little seems to be on the mend. Very slowly but getting there. And of course, since she can't go out we've been indoors for the last few weeks except for when we went to the bday party. It's not bad. I'm missing out on all the gardening. I have no idea how overgrown everything will be when I finally do get out there and cut that damn grass but I'm hoping it won't be too long.

So in other news, I'm actually going out and spending money. Something I've opted not to do in a long time because of the debt status. Oh, I have gone out here and there but nothing really. Well, if all goes according to plan I'm finally going to have sushi which I have not had now in pretty much a year. Also, gonna go clubbing but this will probably be the only time I do so. Now that I live so far it seems like a huge hassle. Staying with my parents is very annoying.

So I'll be inviting soon-to-be divorcee. Good company most of the time; but much like BJL she doesn't have any friends here and doesn't seem to have it all together in the practical department.

Now BJL has moved on and has a life and hopefully more practicality. But seeing both STBD and BJL are older than me and lack common sense just goes to show me that with age does not mean maturity.

Back to STBD. She is married to Dr. Evil's high school chum. I do not think much of the fellow. He just seems to lack all rationality. I cannot understand how folks get through life being so naive but hey, somehow they do. He married STBD and I met them for the first time when they came down to my old condo for a visit. STBD got pregnant around the same time as I did and has a son one month younger than the Things.

Now STBD and I bonded over the lack of common sense that Dr. Evil and High school chum had but whereas Dr. Evil knows when to back off. . .High school chum does not.

I began to hear of their relentless problems regarding their home, maintenance, money, child, etc. Basically, the norm stuff that affects most young families.

Well, still thought that maybe if they tried they could work things through. I was sure anyone can as long as you were willing too.

So I came down to visit them last summer. I went to their house which is (I guess) in the bad part of Hamilton. It was actually a very nice street. It reminded me of Parkdale with the old homes. From the outside their home was beautiful. A Victorian with stained glass windows and gingerbread (I'm a bit of a home buff). Then I went inside.

Can I tell you that the place was an utter PIGSTY!!!

Now when I say pigsty I really mean it was the worst home that I've ever walked into. Now I've lived in group homes and seen folks on welfare who had cleaner homes than their place. I've even let things slide but never on that scale. It looked like one of the homes I used to see on how clean is your house?

Let me describe it. There was mess and clutter everywhere. I had no place to walk. There was one of those huge stand-up recycling bins in the middle of the living room and it was full of garbage and there was garbage, crumbs and food everywhere. There was no place to sit. There were wires hanging out of the wall and everything was dirty. Mind you these people had a two-year old at the time. Open sockets and clothes piled everywhere. Their two giant pit bulls kept trying to jump on me. Their small child was just running around in this mess.

For my part I stayed polite and toured the rest of the home. Now the house itself was beautiful. Gorgeous styled oak staircase and if the windows were cleaned, the stained glass would have looked stunning but these two were not maintaining the property at all and it definitely showed.

I believe Dr. Evil thought that I had exaggerated about the house until he saw it for himself. He was appalled thinking they let their son run around with so many dangers.

Well, I thought. . .no wonder their life is a mess! If the chaos of their house was any indication than they really needed help.

I had asked STBD why they didn't clean the place up and this is why I really find her irritating. She said that she worked and didn't have the time to do it. Now I have plenty of friends who work and their homes do not look like that. So she chalked it up to her having a child. Another excuse. Then she said that her husband didn't clean so she didn't and he gave the same excuse. Um. . .are these people grown-ups? You don't want to clean because he doesn't and vice versa? You have a two-year old and that's okay with both of you to have him running around in this mess?

Oh and by the way. . .they wanted another child. My thought was; were they planning on making a crib out of the mounds of garbage in their bedrooms for the tot? Yeah, that will save your marriage.

Well, sadly. . .and it is sad to happen to anyone. STBD had a miscarriage and it was the straw that broke the camel's back. She kicked him out and found a divorce lawyer. He ran up the bills and then declared bankruptcy. These are adults. . .let me remind you again.

So that was in September and that is when they declared legal separation. They were fighting like cats and dogs and both me and Dr. Evil had to remind them that they had a son who knew what was going on and whether they liked it or not that was their son for life and they had to find a way to get along. Not until he was 18 but forever. This seemed to have stopped their incessant blaming and they moved on and found some way to compromise.

Now I guess being apart made them forget the past and they still love each other and STBD has told me many times that she would take him back. I suggested that perhaps it's better for them to live away from each other. Not every marriage is conventional and if that's what they had to do then consider their options.

So another thing that irritated me about STBD is the fact that she's constantly over. I damn well know why. My house is clean. Her place is not. Her son can run around without being in danger of electrocuting himself plus he has playmates. He's not in daycare so he doesn't socialize with any children. Unfortunately, his bad behaviour is beginning to show. The worst is that Thing One and Thing Two attempt to copy him which I hate.

Well, if you only have two days off instead of coming here and staying until 1 in the morning why don't you go home and start packing and sorting stuff. Then perhaps you can invite me over instead of just coming to my place all the time. After all, in the three years I've known her I've only went in the house once (unfortunately saw it) and have never been asked back again. And it would be nice if you didn't constantly invite yourself to my place because I like to do things like sleep and walk around in my underwear.

This weekend again she called to come over but I said the kids and I weren't feeling good so apparently trying to guilt trip(?) me she said that she promised her son that they would come over and he had been crying all day. Uh-huh, well I guess you shouldn't have promised him that without asking me first. So I said "aww, that's too bad. . well I gotta go get some cleaning done, talk to soon." I happily continued to spend the day in my underwear reading Twilight.

So the last thing (yes, I know it's a long post) is that she finally told Dr. Evil's high school chum that she wanted to get back together with him and he said no. She was very offended, angry and taken aback by this. So I talked to Dr. Evil and he said "she didn't tell you what she said?"

"Umm no, what happened?"

Dr. Evil told me that they were discussing it and his buddy was fine to get back together but he asked that she never kick him out again and that they would have to talk and work things out. Sounds reasonable to me.

She told him that that was fine and that she would take him back only if they started to try for another baby right away. Hmm, you're in mounds of debt. His job is unstable. You're home is still falling apart and you are on the path to divorce but want to try for a baby right away without at least working through one of those things???
Sorry, but I believe Dr. Evil's friend was very right when he said no. The smartest thing I've seen this guy do.

Will wonders never cease. . . .

Mrs. Ex

Out of the blue yesterday I got a call from B.J.L. She said she was in town for the weekend and would love to see me. So I dropped off the kids and went with Dr. Evil to visit her. It was my first time out since the BBQ incident. I dropped $50 on this venture which I of course don't have but I reasoned that I since I hadn't seen her in two years it was okay and I'd find some way to cover the expense. Also, since I missed her going away party. . .this time I would say bye.

Now this isn't something I normally do but I felt pretty guilty. B.J.L. has always made an effort to keep in contact with me. At other times, when I was broke, she would take me to the spa or treat me to dinner. When things weren't going that well, she was there to listen to my rants.

I felt guilty because I chose to drift apart from her. I think it was a mutual thing since her own life was becoming very far removed from mine also. Still, despite this. . .she calls and tells me everything that is happy,sad, and inbetween in her life.

Now, I may not agree with all of B.J.L.'s choices in life but here I was judging her when I shouldn't have been. After all, she never judged me when I sat complaining all those times. When I saw her, she looked great. Very similar to how she looked when I met her. . .like she hadn't aged a day. She acted differently too, more independent. She said she thought she had to go through all she did so that she could become a better person. Well, whatever you want to say to explain yourself is fine.

Recently, her former half started e-mailing me. I was happy to see that. I hadn't really spoken to him in a long time. He never contacts me when he's in town like B.J.L. does which saddens me but I guess that's all a symptom of the drifting apart thing. He may be mad that I still talk to B.J.L. but hey . . .who am I gonna make the effort to keep in touch with? The person who still calls and wants to see me? or the person who hasn't?

Honestly, I would like to stay in contact with both. I would like to see both, too. Maybe there's too much anger there for that to happen but I still hope that it can happen. Especially now that I see each of them have moved on finally and are happy in their respective lives.

My weekend lesson is not to take my friends for granted. I'm going through tough times now and I hope they all know that I appreciate them being there for me when I rant and rave without judging me. Also, who am I to judge anybody. . .just need to take a step back and look at myself now and then.

Opposite George

Getting to another topic besides debt. I had previously talked about relationships. My good friend, who I refer to as Opposite George, had been through the ringer. For the most part, she seems to be over it now and I'm glad that she is. O.G. finally came to the conclusion that she deserved better and in fact, she does.

This gets me to the point. . .about all the super-cute, smart chicks I know who have trouble finding a decent guy. They often find guys. . .just not always decent ones. Even worse, all the bad ones ruin the potential for the possible ones. I was happy to hear that Opposite George is going to do exactly as George Costanza did. Everything opposite of what she normally does. Instead of staying in, which is exactly what I do all the time, she went out with co-workers and had a pretty good time. I was happy to hear that. Slowly, but surely life is improving for O.G.

I like that this philosophy is working. I thought, I should apply some of the principles of Opposite George. Maybe life would improve for me as well.

Tomorrow is Lovey-Dovey Day!

In honour of that, I'm gonna post some old-timey Canadian Pop. Remember old-skool Canadian pop?! It's back. . .in blog form (For the hardcore Simpsons fans. . .you will get that reference.)

Also, here's a AWESOME link on why being single sucks!

Bay of (Married) Pigs

So hell week for me is done to some extent. I skipped taking the twinsies to school in the hopes of starting my hurricane clean but find myself in more of a funk than I'd hoped to be in. I was trying to fight it. . .but it came regardless. Cue me eating a muffin with chocolate frosting and sprinkles and deciding I needed to halt the work and watch something that would uplift me in some way.

I decided on something I hardly ever watched but was aware of. . .you cannot be a woman and 'not' at least aware of "Sex and the City."

It really was a good show and I've just watched the first three episodes of the first season. I finished with watching the episode Bay of (Married) Pigs. Carrie Bradshaw waxes on the enmity/pity/whatever you want to call it between singles and couples.

A brief recap of the episode finds Carrie thrust into a relationship with a guy who desperately wants to be married and the point is driven home when she brings Charlotte and Samantha to his housewarming party and finds he's 'only' friends with couples.

Miranda tries desperately to climb that corporate ladder is accidently set up with a lesbian as her co-workers believe she is gay (funny in real life that she turned out to be just that with rojo caliente!). She plays along because it's the first attention he firm's partners have shown her.

I found it quite funny. It's been a looooong time since I've been single but I haven't forgotten what it was like. I was very lonely and I had very much given up on finding anyone. I think I made peace with it and just stopped looking. I also remember feeling like I was just getting desperate for attention and I didn't who I was becoming. The hanger-on, the person who was always the third wheel, or looked at like I was about to steal someone's significant other. So not the case, because that's not my personality. I decided right then and there that I would only focus on the other aspects of my life.

I wanted to get my life togther and save money and travel. At the time that's the only thing I thought about. After a while I think I exhuded that and that I wouldn't settle for anything because I was focused on what I wanted.

Shortly thereafter I met hubby and he "sorta" swept me off my feet. I liked that I never have to put on "airs" with him. . .that right from the get-go I could just be my plain boring self and that he liked that about me.

At first you just want to spend every waking minute with that "significant other" and that's understandable. . .you're in love after all. Eventually, over time the honeymoon dips and it's just a steady stream with peaks and valleys inbetween. No. . .there's no happily ever after. . .just trying to make the best of everyday.

Now after seeing this episode, I get that it's lonely for some single people and that the "coupledom" seems like a big club that everyone wants to get into. Unfortunately it also skipped on some things.

For one, being in a couple doesn't always mean you're not lonely. Hubby works a lot and even when he is home there's always things to be done. . .doesn't leave a whole lot of time to spend together . . .it just leaves you tired and wanting to sleep so you can start early on the next day. I'm sure hubby feels the same way.

But it is lonely. I've told my "single" girlfriend this many times. I actually spend more time talking to her and telling her the goings on and stresses in my day than the hubby. . .would that make her more my significant other than the person I'm married to?

Another thing is envy. Being in a relationship also means you have certain responsibilities to that person. Almost like having children, you can't go anywhere without telling them. You can't shirk off your duties. . chores, childcare or whatever they may be. There is definitely a freedom I enjoyed when I was single, just going out with my friends whenever I pleased.

So, in this ramble I guess I wanted to point out that it's just a different set of circumstances. If you're single you may feel like the loneliest person in the world but then again you can also be in a relationship and be lonely. . .might just be a different kind of lonely.

Also, I wanted to say. . .don't be someone you're not. I tried it and I hated it. I'm always happy when I can just be plain, uninteresting me. I like routine and order. I had to realize that there was nothing 'wrong' with that.

Lastly, I just wanted to say that I hope that I have never made anyone feel like I did when I was the third wheel. I do try to see my friends just on my own and not "force" the couple thing on anyone like it was done to me. After all, hubby and I aren't joined at the hip. I like having the time apart too. . .makes me feel like my friends are just there for plain uninteresting me. That's why I always call going out with my friends "dates" now.

There's probably a lot more that I can say on the subject, but I'll stop for now and leave more for another post. I have to get back to watching "Sex and the City" and then calling my "significant other" to ask her how her day at work went :)

How To Break Up in 64 Easy Steps

Surprisingly, quite realistic!

The Make-up, Break-up

I have this friend. Although she was broken up with her ex- boyfriend, she has had old wounds re-opened and is suffering anew. Suffice to say that she is more or less going through this.

This is very difficult for me as well since I am a mommy and want to be a loyal friend who is there, but the lack of sleep is leaving me very much the worse for wear.

But I digress. Through our many, many, many conversations I have wondered what compels someone to get back together with a person who did not think that they were worthy enough to never break-up with in the first place?

I have never been in that situation. Not to say that I don't know that a relationship has it's peaks and valleys, but I've never had my heart broken by someone and thought later that perhaps I should get back together with them. Perhaps I'm too spiteful or vindictive but even if I were the person doing the breaking up I think I would be appalled if the other person suggested we get back together especially if I was so hurt to begin with. I am not a glutton for punishment. Yet, I know many who are.

Why can the people I know not meet someone that they really can't imagine not having in their life and the girlfriend/boyfriend reciprocate wholeheartedly. Despite any highs and lows, you really cannot imagine your life without him/her. To not be someone lost in a relationship. To have your own hobbies, interests and opinions. Your significant other also has their own interests and together you share your joys, sorrows and everything between. But suddenly it falls apart and you both go your own separate ways? Is that what happens? It seems so tragic, what every heart-breaking song and movie and play are about. So then, after all of this, does one say to themselves "It will be different this time, we should be together."

The heart is a very cruel thing, you can never see the scars of the hurt inflicted on it and maybe that's why many forget.

Now I think, will this happen to my children? If it does, what will I say to them? Will they even tell me? Perhaps being the shoulder to cry on is the practice I need. One day, these sleepless nights will be far into the future and I will remember those many discussions with my friends. . .just in case.