A Year in Review 2012. . .Also, Happy 2013!

 I teefed it from Miz Meli

What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
I wrote and passed a provincial & federal exam, I got hired full-time

2.Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Nah, not really. . .I should

3.Did anyone close to you give birth?
Miz Shel

4.Did anyone close to you die?
No. Counts Blessings.

5.What countries did you visit?
Stayed within the country but took first (or second after Niagara Falls?) vacation to Halifax, Nova Scotia.

6.What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
Pay debt. . .get divorced.

7.What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I guess taking the twinsies on their first plane ride.

8.What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Passing those hard ass exams!

9.What was your biggest failure?
I genuinely feel like I'm a walking failure. . .I have so much I have to do to get where I want and need to be.

10.Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got into a funk now and then but nothing really.

11.What was the best thing you bought?
A drawing

12.Whose behavior merited celebration?
Twinsies did a good job adjusting at the beginning of the year.

13.Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The ex. . .but it was expected. Some things never change.

14.Where did most of your money go?
Lawyer, school. . .bills and stuff.

15.What events did you get really, really, really excited about?
My vacation to Nova Scotia

16.What song will always remind you of 2012?
Tom Petty's You Don't Know How It Feels . . . I played it a lot.


17.Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or Sadder? Sadder.

ii. Thinner or Fatter? Fatter :(

iii. Richer or Poorer? Poorer.

18.What do you wish you’d done more of?
Lost weight or accomplished more.

19.What do you wish you’d done less of?
Spend money. . .but it was probably worth it.

20.How did you spend Christmas?
At my sister's house. . .just the family - long time since that's happened. It was nice.

21.Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
John

22.Did you fall in love in 2012?
I was already in love.

23. How many one-night stands?
Does it count if it was long distance and you hardly saw the person? HA!

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Futurama, Adventure Time with Finn & Jake

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No, not really.

26. What was the best book you read?
A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry

27. What was your greatest musical discovery or rediscovery?
Tom Petty

28. What did you want and get?
Vacation with the kiddles

29. What did you want and not get?
Moola . . . lol!

30. What were your favorite films of this year?
Madagascar 3

31.What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I worked and it was super sh*tty.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
 Custody, Divorce and debts paid


33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
The dramatic eye

34. What kept you sane?
The weenie tots

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most/least?
I guess I'm all hardcore for Bruno Mars now :)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Too many

37. Whom did you miss?
A couple of folks

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Prolly UJ

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:
It's okay to be alone.

40. Do you have any lost feelings of others.
I don't think so.


41.Quote a song that sums up your year:
"I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way"
- Lady Gaga

*Sigh*

 I've been a little introspective lately. I was thinking about how much and how dramatically my life changed over the last few years.

I was thinking about the choices I've made and the road I took. It's always hard to know if you're making the right steps.

Sometimes I wish I could visit a fortuneteller or soothsayer who could accurately tell me what path to take to ensure my happiness but especially the happiness of Thing 1 and Thing 2.

I am very keenly aware of how my life and choices affect them. I try my best but I often feel that I am failing them. I wish I could provide more for them.  I know that many people have told me that as long as I am happy they will see it and feel it but sometimes I'm not so sure if I'm providing enough for them.

I'm sure every parent feels that way. I have seen a person with two loving parents and what I consider a wonderful life end up very insecure and not very happy. On the other hand, I've seen someone from a completely broken home and having a parent abandon them living a very hard and difficult life end up relatively happy and loving and fairly put together.

I guess it's hard to know.

 Love this song since I heard him sing it on the VH1 awards -->

That's What Dreams Are Made Of

 I went to my cousin's very awesome wedding this weekend. It was absolutely amazing. . .definitely hard to live down :)

I got pretty drunk. . .happily so and my thoughts only turned to one thing. That I was there alone. I've always hated going to weddings alone and I should really start asking a friend to come with me but then I think they might feel awkward too, especially a guy lol!

So I did what I always do. . .I just danced the night away until my cousins took me home. I don't even remember what I said to anyone *hangs head in shame*

A few guys friended me on facebook. I don't remember them. I think I remember dancing with them but that's about it. I know for sure I didn't say anything weird because I only talked to my cousins all night. Good times had by all - HA!

My babies looked so pretty :)

Walk away and pass me by

 I hate being asked if I'm married. I have no idea why anyone would ask me that, after all I don't wear a ring.

I'd like to answer, "No, I am in fact separated and still working on a horrible divorce that's been in the works for over 3 years! My ex-husband is a controlling and abusive jack*ss and despite anyone saying that they understood why he was like that to me I really don't care and would like to see my twins grow up to either see me with a good man or none at all."

It's very hard sometimes and I always instantly bond with other single mothers; after all it's a pretty big adjustment.

After all this time I realized how hard it is but it's doable. Always a struggle but still worth it. Accepting help is difficult and sometimes my pride doesn't allow it but I know I simply cannot do it by myself.

I still wish that there are men who do not talk to you like you are an idiot, are respectful and courteous, kind and compassionate, selfless and loving. They can think of the smallest thing to put a smile on your face and be supportive when you need them to be. They can be faithful no matter what and love you despite your flaws. I know that no one is perfect and that's a tall order but if I can do all the things I did in the last three years while working on my divorce, then a man like that is definitely doable :)

If I cannot find one than I hope when my daughter's are grown . . .they will . . .otherwise they will have me to contend with ;)

Frustration

I tried the thesaurus to find another word for it, this is what I found.

"Definition:

thwart, disappoint

Synonyms:

annul, arrest, baffle, balk, bar, beat, block, cancel, check, circumvent, confront, conquer, counter, counteract, cramp, cramp one's style, crimp, dash, dash one's hope, defeat, depress, discourage, dishearten, foil, forbid, forestall, foul up, give the run around, halt, hang up, hinder, hold up, impede, inhibit, lick, negate, neutralize, nullify, obstruct, obviate, outwit, overcome, preclude, prevent, prohibit, render null and void, ruin, stump, stymie*, upset the applecart

So apparently nothing can quite compare to the word itself. . .FRUSTRATED!!

I've finally finished my exams - WOOOOO! And I'm working and trying to pay off my debts. It just doesn't seem to be moving at all though. I still feel like after my separation I haven't gotten anywhere with my ongoing and painfully long divorce, paying off my debts and trying to save for my kids.

They still keep asking me when will we have a house again. . .I can't even answer them anymore. They told me today "Mommy, you told us the secret of you getting married and now you're not?" Can't answer them about that either and can only apologize to them for making all the mistakes I have made.

I would badly like to have my own home and have someone in my life. I have never aspired to have anything grandiose. I have always simply wanted the same thing.

My dream was to have a quiet home that I could make my own, a loving partner who would always be there for me and supportive, and a few kids <---- notice I said few because I kinda always thought I'd have more than just my girls but it's doesn't seem likely. That dream seems to be totally crushed as the time is going by.

I simply cannot answer them anymore. I think I'm just destined to be alone and most likely living with my parents and I'll just have to accept that.

Maybe when my girls are bigger and I don't need so much help we can move somewhere more affordable and I can work to take care of them and they can look after themselves. . .but that may be quite some time from now :S
. . . .at least it's a new dream :)

. . .to be me

 I'm only on day 2 of my diet but MAN, it's hard!! I love food. . .I could honestly eat everything in the world twice over but alas my body chooses to not cooperate with this ideal so diet it is. I've tried exercising too. I liked the Dance Party for the Wii so much that I ordered all of them so that I can have a variety to work out too. So far it's great. . .very much like an exercise tape but just way, way better. I think because it's a game too.

It's good to feel sore but it's when I'm at work that I really feel it. My job requires me to be somewhat active. To date. . .I've only seen one overweight person that I work with and she's a nurse. She told me that her weight fluctuates and right now she's the heaviest she's been. After chatting with her some more I realized she was just making the same excuses that all overweight people make. . .myself included. I know it's hard. . .TRUST ME. . .weight is just something that is difficult to maintain for some. I try though to be strict and make that lifestyle change because I don't want it to come back and haunt me as I get older. And older is what I'm getting.

Lots to accomplish. . .studying is going terribly - HA!

Brand New Low

Hello Hello :)

What I accomplished today:

Tidying up the twinsies room. . .not fully cleaning it. . .but tidying it up. The actual clean will have to be done another day.

Tidying up my room. . .again. . .not fully cleaning it.

Two hour nap. . .lol (dreamed a lot about someone *sigh*)

Ate lunch which consisted of fish curry, brussel sprouts, and eggplant. . .really need to watch my weight. Not too many months left to get in shape :S

Ironed the twinsies clothes for tomorrow.

ROCKED OUT FOR TWO HOURS ON JUST DANCE 2 on the fitness mode - WOOT!

Now I plan on studying since I have an early day tomorrow.

Day by day. . .