A Poignant Sorry?!

Yup, sorry for all the depressing blog entries. I honestly can't help it though. I just keep going over and over it again and again in my mind. All that I lost and what my life is now. Even worse, what my kids' life will be. A horrid life similar to mine and that was something I REALLY didn't want but I hope that it doesn't come to that.

Just came back from work. I feel terrible when I go there now because I have no time to talk to my friends from work anymore. Our breaks and lunches are so short that I just stay at my desk and drink and ensure or snack on a granola bar. I used to really look forward to going because when I was in training, although I was stressed about learning everything - at least I got to interact with folks. Now I just interact with d*ckhead customers all day. I honestly want to tell them to just go to other providers and stop thinking everything is free you cheap money-grubbing jerks!! But alas, I really need the job and can only hope that I still have one at the end of this week :S

I find I also look forward to seeing my floor support guys. They are so insanely nice. The one pervy indian guy who is always telling me to relax baby and stop being such a girl is actually a huge sweetheart. He ALWAYS comes and helps me and takes out so much time to explain things to me. So does the one-armed guy, yup he just has one arm(which I didn't realize for an entire week!) but is also incredibly sweet. I find they really try to boost us when we are there which is so wonderful of them. Honestly, they don't have to be as nice to us as they are and we've been calling them the wrong names for ages now but they are totally cool. I can only hope that I keep my job and return the favour to someone in my position one day.

It's not just that too. I was depressed before I went into work (please reference previous post) and inbetween the jerk customers - they really made me laugh. They said it was their duty since I seemed down today. Good folks like that are what makes the world go round :) As of right this second. . .they are my heroes - HA!

Nervous Breakdown coming soon. . .

On Saturday I filed for divorce finally. Giving Kirk what he wanted. He no longer has to see, speak or hear of me ever again. Looks like he feels the same way about his kids most of the time.

I was depressed about it for Sunday so I didn't do anything for Mother's Day. Also, because it was snowing.

My job deeply depresses me too because I honestly don't know what I'm doing and I am trying but it's just difficult for me to grasp everything. I'm not so young anymore and this is something (math) that is just not my forte.

Today, the weekend was over and the first thing to greet me in the morning was my mom cursing me out for being a horrible mother and never doing anything but sleep, work and eat. I do not believe this is true but my shift changed so I'm not here to spend the nights with the girls anymore. I'll also be working weekends so that doesn't make it any easier. As my mom pointed out I just left them and didn't bother with them anymore. I knew this was going to happen when I started working nights. I had told them that this would be the shift I have to work and that the training would be nice for a while.

I didn't bother answering her. All they do is complain to me even though I feel depressed all the time - honestly, I just feel like committing suicide at this point it's just that depressing for me. I don't go anywhere either because I know they will complain about it. The only place I went to on Saturday was to file the papers and to clear up my credit card. That was about it. I really wish I lived on my own somewhere REALLY far from here. If I could, I would just pack up and move to some nowhere town in Ontario. I'm alone all the time anyways. I may as well take my kids with me and just get gone. That's what I really feel like doing. It's what I felt like doing in the first place when I was with Kirk.

Off to do more crying and crying and crying.

Here I Go. . .

Okay, a quickie as I shortly have to go to the horrid fest that is my job :( Believe it or not I actually count down the time until the shift is done and always secretly hope the systems go down. As you can gather I deal with a lot of d*cks and have absolutely no clue what I'm doing!!!

In any case, another depressing note. But first, let me thank my friends for trying to lift me up - you all know who you are and I would be in far worse shambles without you there to lift me up.

I will be starting my divorce proceedings on Monday.

I only have one more thing to hand in to my lawyer (my tax returns) which my good friend Griz will help me with on the weekend and then the ball will get rolling.

Despite the fact that Kirk Van Houten is a d**chebag, and I assure you - he most assuredly is. I still feel like I've been shorted and lost everything. The house I got for my kids to grow up in is gone as is all our stuff. The car my parents bought for me, all the efforts I put into the home I formerly had. . .just . . .gone. It's very depressing to have all these plans for wanting to raise your kids better and to have more than what you had to now be fighting for use of a whole closet.

My kids are unhappy and I am unhappy. Even as I sit here typing this I think about how my girls brought me some beautiful roses and paper tissue roses for mother's day and how I should be giving them so much more in return and I simply cannot do that anymore. I had a beautiful crystal vase that I would have put it in if I were still living in Hamilton but he has it now and I have nowhere to put their wonderful gift because I have nothing of my own except the clothes on my back. I also have some clothes on their back because of my wonderful friend Griz!

So now as I panic while the time draws closer for me to go to work. . .I will see what our legal system can offer me back in due time.

i wish

So I freely admit that I am in a perpetual funk. I have been told that this is VERY normal but it still doesn't make it any easier on me.

I now go over in my mind about all the things that happened to me and I feel very stupid. I wish I was a smarter person. . .then maybe I wouldn't have made so many mistakes. I am learning from them, I just wish that it didn't take me losing everything to get the lesson.

I'm happy that I lost some weight. I wish I was losing more. Heck, I wish I was a size zero. I sometimes look at all the girls around me that are my age and see how much more prettier they are than me and I realize, I really will be alone for the rest of my life. I simply cannot compete. I don't begrudge a pretty girl anything but I wish I had something. A house or car of my own, some money in the bank. . .you know SOMETHING! I don't have anything though, I'm not even an interesting person. I don't run 5 k and I'm not a good cook, I'm not artistic and I don't have a really good job. I don't go on awesome trips and a whole lot more don'ts that I wish were do's. I've never even lived in another city as I don't count the 8 months I briefly lived in Hamilton. Whereas everyone I know has pretty much packed up and at a minimum, lived somewhere else.

I see myself being 50 and alone renting my parents spare bedroom and having my kids hate me for not giving them everything they should have had. I wish that didn't have to happen. I see that loser having some happy rich life and having some other kids while he forgets the ones he had here. Heck, he already forgets them!! Still no calls or visits. . .which is how I can only assume he believes parenting works.

It makes me believe that perhaps the point of my life is to serve as a warning to others. Not everyone can "live their best life" and some of just are just meant to struggle on by. . .

Now excuse me while I go cry. . .