Nervous Breakdown coming soon. . .

On Saturday I filed for divorce finally. Giving Kirk what he wanted. He no longer has to see, speak or hear of me ever again. Looks like he feels the same way about his kids most of the time.

I was depressed about it for Sunday so I didn't do anything for Mother's Day. Also, because it was snowing.

My job deeply depresses me too because I honestly don't know what I'm doing and I am trying but it's just difficult for me to grasp everything. I'm not so young anymore and this is something (math) that is just not my forte.

Today, the weekend was over and the first thing to greet me in the morning was my mom cursing me out for being a horrible mother and never doing anything but sleep, work and eat. I do not believe this is true but my shift changed so I'm not here to spend the nights with the girls anymore. I'll also be working weekends so that doesn't make it any easier. As my mom pointed out I just left them and didn't bother with them anymore. I knew this was going to happen when I started working nights. I had told them that this would be the shift I have to work and that the training would be nice for a while.

I didn't bother answering her. All they do is complain to me even though I feel depressed all the time - honestly, I just feel like committing suicide at this point it's just that depressing for me. I don't go anywhere either because I know they will complain about it. The only place I went to on Saturday was to file the papers and to clear up my credit card. That was about it. I really wish I lived on my own somewhere REALLY far from here. If I could, I would just pack up and move to some nowhere town in Ontario. I'm alone all the time anyways. I may as well take my kids with me and just get gone. That's what I really feel like doing. It's what I felt like doing in the first place when I was with Kirk.

Off to do more crying and crying and crying.

Here I Go. . .

Okay, a quickie as I shortly have to go to the horrid fest that is my job :( Believe it or not I actually count down the time until the shift is done and always secretly hope the systems go down. As you can gather I deal with a lot of d*cks and have absolutely no clue what I'm doing!!!

In any case, another depressing note. But first, let me thank my friends for trying to lift me up - you all know who you are and I would be in far worse shambles without you there to lift me up.

I will be starting my divorce proceedings on Monday.

I only have one more thing to hand in to my lawyer (my tax returns) which my good friend Griz will help me with on the weekend and then the ball will get rolling.

Despite the fact that Kirk Van Houten is a d**chebag, and I assure you - he most assuredly is. I still feel like I've been shorted and lost everything. The house I got for my kids to grow up in is gone as is all our stuff. The car my parents bought for me, all the efforts I put into the home I formerly had. . .just . . .gone. It's very depressing to have all these plans for wanting to raise your kids better and to have more than what you had to now be fighting for use of a whole closet.

My kids are unhappy and I am unhappy. Even as I sit here typing this I think about how my girls brought me some beautiful roses and paper tissue roses for mother's day and how I should be giving them so much more in return and I simply cannot do that anymore. I had a beautiful crystal vase that I would have put it in if I were still living in Hamilton but he has it now and I have nowhere to put their wonderful gift because I have nothing of my own except the clothes on my back. I also have some clothes on their back because of my wonderful friend Griz!

So now as I panic while the time draws closer for me to go to work. . .I will see what our legal system can offer me back in due time.

HELLLLOOOOOO!!

Well, I've taken a long enough break there. I'll be honest with folks. I really needed it. Dr. Evil and I are splitting up and it's been a tough time for me. I had to give up the blog for a while but honestly I'll be glad to put down some words and thoughts again because. . .it always felt kinda therapeutic :)

So here's the deal. I'm living sans Dr. Evil with my parents and of course my no nose nugget twins :) As I go through this process I'm gonna keep them always on my mind because I'm their mom and it's first and foremost on my mind. I've got a long road ahead of me but I just have to keep in mind that their is an end to it and Thing 1 and Thing 2 have to come out of it as unaffected as possible.

So there you go. . .I'M BACK :)