A Different World

Hello out there.

Long time no post. Thought I should take it up again. Gives me something to do ;)

So let's update.

I still have the twinsies and now I have one more on the way.

I am very close to divorcing the d-bag that was the twinsies father.

I found someone wonderful to share my life with and we live together now.

I live very far from the city that I once lived in and it's nice and quiet here.

The only thing I really miss is my friends and family and my job. Obviously!

This is the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. . .that's saying a lot.

Back to the Dating Pool

So my relationship of. . .awhile had ended. Kinda sucks but there's nothing I can do about it.

As it is - I don't think it's too easy for me to meet someone and have a meaningful relationship.

I never have an issue with guys asking me out - unfortunately most of them are weirdos.

Let me think back to some of the winners I had.

One guy seemed nice. Handsome, pretty decent. We started chatting via text. Just usual conversation. Then he tells me that he would like to sex wrestle me(?!) and that I should be a bodybuilder. Very weird how the conversation came to that with no prompting from me. I think the final straw is when he told me was "built like a black guy" and sent me a d*ck pic. So that was the end of that.

Another one I actually did go on a date with again seemed nice enough. We had our first and only date. He told me that he really liked country music and absolutely LOVED "Creed." Yeah, I can't dig anyone who likes Creed so that was the end of that.

I guess it was great meeting J because he was . . .normal! I was very happy about that. At least I know there are decent guys out there but he lived really far away from me.

Now I got hop right back into that "Dick-pic, Creed-lovin'" dating pool. *Sigh* Wish me Luck - HA!

Happy Birthday to My Lil' Boo Bears :)

My lil' weenie tots turned 7! I am so freakin' old :S

Bought three cakes for them --> two for school and one for at home.

Asked them if they liked their birthday party and they said yes, they loved it and their cool presents.

Glad they don't realize they're having a huge party on Saturday. . .takes so little to please children lol!

The twins like this song for some reason?! No clue.

Sacred Heart Diet

Okay, I promised this update of my weight. I dropped to 151!! Hey, I think 5 pounds is pretty awesome for one week. I think I'll stick to the Veggies, Fruit and Protein thing. I even cheated and had Ceasar salads - so I think that's pretty amazing. Still need to pump up the exercise. All in all I'm very pleased - especially with the energy I have now and my face clearing up.

Don't think I can stick to it forever though because . . .well. . .I LOVE carbs. . .they're delish! But I can handle a few weeks until I'm ON DE PLANE :D

Here's a throwback I heard on G98.7 - man, I miss music like this sometimes. I especially love that she's not the thinnest chick on the planet and has curves and a great voice.

Trinidad Carnival 2013

So less than a month away I'll be boarding a plane and heading to the twin Caribbean islands of Trinidad & Tobago for Carnival.

I'll be jumping up with Miz Mel and Miz Li :)

Totally and completely a once in a lifetime thing that I'm absolutely thrilled to be doing. . .except. . .I'm not in great shape :S

I had started one diet but since I cheated constantly on it, I gained a ton of weight!

So terrible and now the time is too short for me to lose the weight I gained plus the weight I originally wanted to lose (damn you holidays for being so delicious!)

So I'm just going to try to eat healthy for the next couple of weeks before I leave.

I started this diet on Thursday which is supposed to be a type of cleanse. 

It's called the Sacred Heart Diet. I had read of another blogger who said she tried it and lost 8 pounds. Although the diet promises between 10 to 17 I was thinking . . .even 5 to 8 sound amazing to me for one week!

I also thought it was a good way for me to curb the cravings that I'm feeling all the time.

So on Wednesday I went and did a big grocery shop with my dad and had my grocery cart filled with fruits and veggies galore. Anything I liked I picked up.

When I got home my mom helped me make the soup. The only thing I couldn't find were green beans (weirdly?!) and so I subbed in sugar snap peas and zuccini.

Day One is a Fruit and Soup day.

I had packed two bowls of the soup. I had bought a fruit salad to take with me for breakfast. I cut up strawberries, pears and added grapes and cherries to a container to take. When I got to work I ate the fruit salad for breakfast and drank some herbal tea. I took out some fruit and ate it. Had the soup for lunch. When UJ saw it she said "Wow, that looks like a super healthy soup!" I said it was but it was kinda bland. I guess because it had no meat in it.

 I had ordered a platter of sub sandwiches for a client who was in and there were a ton of leftovers. I took three to take home but MAN, those sandwiches smelled good and I COULD NOT take a bite :(
J kept pushing all this banana bread on me too so I finally took it to give to the twins. UJ gave me hers too. I ate my fruits but the banana bread smelled really good. I was definitely craving carbs but I stuck it out. I had started to get a headached. Probably from the lack of carbs and processed sugar my body is used to so I took a Tylenol and headed home.

When I got home. . .I can't describe it. . . I felt SO sleepy and I didn't even eat the second bowl of soup. I just wasn't that hungry. I went to bed at 8:30 which I never do but really needed the shut eye.

Day Two is Veggie and Soup day.

I only packed one bowl of the soup for work. I cut up carrots, broccoli, peppers(orange & yellow) and cucumber (no clue if that's a veggie or fruit). I also took some spinach greens for breakfast.

I had a cup of tea at work. I started on the greens. Really bland without dressing. Around lunchtime I had my soup. And it totally hit. . .I felt REALLY AWAKE! The diet does say you'll feel that on the third day but it happened to me on my second. I got so much work done. I was really pleased because I had been lagging on an audit I had to finish. I snacked on the veggies.

When I got home I had some baked potato with butter. It was good. . .but not great. Filling though. I didn't eat anything else after that. All through I've been drinking as much water as I can.

Day Three is Fruits and Veggies Day with Soup.

Today would be a real test. It was the weekend now and I was home. I had to go out with my mom and the twins. Also, plans later on that night with friends.

I ate an avocado for breakfast and had some tea. I got in a small workout which was nice. Before we all left I ate some of the soup. At the mall while my family feasted away on KFC, I managed to scrounge a garden side salad from Burger King that consisted of LOTS of lettuce, two slices of tomato, two baby carrots and one slice of cucumber. It was so cold it hurt my teeth. Thank goodness I brought a few clementines to snack on. I was dying to go home because I was so HONGRAY!

When I got home Miz Li said she was on her way. I was already dressed so I figured not to worry. After a while of waiting I got super hungry and decided to eat more of the soup. Unfortunately I spilled it on my jeans and that was when Miz Li called to say she was here :S

I tried to change as quickly as possible and headed out still super hungry. When we all arrived at Denny's finally. I saw nothing on the menu that was only fruits or veggies. I decided to break my diet and have a chicken Ceasar salad. It tasted AMAZING! I guess because I had had nothing with dressing or meat in a few days. When I got home I only drank water and hit the hay early.

Day Four is Bananas/Skim Milk

I had an avocado and two bananas for breakfast with some tea. I worked out again. I was happy for that. I ate one bowl of the soup for lunch before I went out. Walked to the grocery store and bought some steaks for lunch tomorrow.

When I got home I had another avocado and a mango. I had my last banana with a glass of skim milk. I'm not especially fond of milk. I probably could have skipped it. My mom made the steaks and tomatoes for me to have for lunch tomorrow. I cheated again and ate some but found it pretty bland. It really is just some beef with tomatoes. I left the rest for tomorrow's lunch. Just drinking water for the rest of the day. I think I just find that I'm not that hungry on the diet. I haven't weighed myself yet. I know that I started at 156 pounds so I guess I'll see on day seven if anything changed. Here's hoping!

A Great Evening

Today after I finished work, I went out with my co-worker for coffee.

I had such a great time!

Just some background here. My buddy I went out with - we pretty much started together. He was a co-op student. . .and well, I had no training in my jarb.

We definitely clicked. . .since we both spoke english for one, also we were hard workers.

He's an awesome friend. He's always pushing me to do more and never settle. Completely helped me passed my provincial and federal exams.

After work, we went to Starbucks and he grabbed a plain coffee and I (of course) drank a Caramel Macchiato and Lemon Poppyseed cake (yeah, I told him I just conceded to our friend and lost the battle of the bulge competition we were having lol)

We talked about work A LOT and everything else too for like 4 hours straight! He's still always there pushing me, don't settle - we can do more. We're hard workers and there's so much we can do and get done and accomplish.

I believe him.

I kept thinking, man - my buddy reminds me of someone.

I started talking about my sister and how she's always pushing me. Then it dawned on me that they have the same personality. I laughed and told him. . .no wonder we get along so well buddy - you're just like my sister. In fact, you're the same age and same strong motivation.

I also told him. . .you have the same problem with overloading yourself with too much work and responsibility. Take a breather now and then buddy.

He said he looked forward to meeting her at a party I have coming up. I told him - she'll probably really like you too :)

I also told him. . .make sure you can make it and not go to one of your 4 other jobs - HA!

This too shall pass. . .

I had lunch with the twiddles godparents yesterday and got them all caught up on the constant craptacularity that seems to be my life.

I went over being alone again and they were supportive as they always are.

I regaled them with my home issues which I never tell anyone about. . .the only reason I tell them is because their godfather lived with me and saw things firsthand so he tried to offer me solutions but I explained why I was just. . .stuck! They understood.

I talked about my plans this year and how I hoped to follow through on things that I had started. They said that I could come by and have a break with the lil' ones. They were more than happy to help out any way they could.

They are so awesome. There aren't enough words to describe how wonderful they are. I've never met people I so want to see very, very blessed in their lives. Insanely generous with their time and money and efforts. I told them flat out. . ."I don't know what I'd do without you guys in my life"

They bought me groceries too lol

They really are good stuff

Lose the Attitude

I must say that I have been deeply blessed in my job. It's an ordinary job and it allows me to pretty much play Candy Crush Saga on fb all day

. . .as long as I smile and look pretty!

I got a very stern lecture about my attitude and how I should look more busy and not socialize. I was told that I looked really tired and it was hinted that I was gaining weight.

It is true that my entire job requires me to essentially look good.

I look tired because I wasn't really putting on my make-up and you could see I was not the most glamorous person when I didn't have it on. I wasn't putting on earrings and had minimal effort in my wardrobe.

I decided to turn my computer around and put up a note that said the following.

DO REMEMBER
*Do Not Talk to or Socialize with Co-workers*
*Paste on a Smile at every Opportunity*
*Do Not Make Jokes*
*Keep Your Job*

Do it for THEM because they have no one else but you!

Seriously, I printed that out and pasted it onto my desk where I could see it.

I also turned my computer the f*ck around. 

Tough it out!

Let me tell you guys something.

I have never ever broken up with someone.

I just kinda stop talking to people I've dated in the past and as for the ex. . .well that was super messy but he was content with his side chick lol!

I have certainly never broken up with someone that I was still in love with.

It's probably the hardest thing I've done since trying to explain the divorce to the kids.

Also, it wasn't a decision I took lightly. I really thought about him moving here or me moving there (alas, it was long distance) but I knew that I couldn't move there since I had already moved once and really super hated it but thought I would still make a genuine go at trying.

Then I thought about him moving here and said really - what am I doing? Making this man give up his life. . .and I don't even have an apartment for him to stay in. He would never afford a nice home here because it's WAY expensive and no family and friends to boot! I know I wouldn't want to be put in that type of situation because it would really upset me. . .so why would I do that to someone I love.

I know he thinks otherwise, but I had long thought about how selfish it was to put someone under that kind of stress.

I mean. . .I was forced into it and it certainly was no picnic. I couldn't do that to anyone - let alone someone I care about.

I would have liked to be friends with the person but it's quite impossible for me to friends with someone I love. . .my bitter, jealous side would come out if I found out they were dating someone else. Very easy to be friends when you don't love a person thought.

The advice I received is to go at least 8 weeks without talking. . .but boy is that tough. I guess that's what happens when you end a relationship though. In the end. . .you just don't talk at all.

I hope that he can finally find someone to love that's close by and treats him really well. . .he really does deserve it. In my books. . .he IS a good guy, just insecure lol :)

But boy. . .it is really hard and it shows too. . .I got a stern talking too at work and everyone is noticing how miserable I am. Well - f*ck them. . .I'm going through a tough time - HA!

In this space. . .again

I don't make very good company when I get into a funk. I do become quite a bit more focused however. It's probably my way of distracting myself since I kinda internalize a lot of stuff.

I cant stop loving you, baby

In this world so tired and jaded.

Can anybody feel me at all?

Indeed.

A Year in Review 2012. . .Also, Happy 2013!

 I teefed it from Miz Meli

What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
I wrote and passed a provincial & federal exam, I got hired full-time

2.Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Nah, not really. . .I should

3.Did anyone close to you give birth?
Miz Shel

4.Did anyone close to you die?
No. Counts Blessings.

5.What countries did you visit?
Stayed within the country but took first (or second after Niagara Falls?) vacation to Halifax, Nova Scotia.

6.What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
Pay debt. . .get divorced.

7.What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I guess taking the twinsies on their first plane ride.

8.What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Passing those hard ass exams!

9.What was your biggest failure?
I genuinely feel like I'm a walking failure. . .I have so much I have to do to get where I want and need to be.

10.Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got into a funk now and then but nothing really.

11.What was the best thing you bought?
A drawing

12.Whose behavior merited celebration?
Twinsies did a good job adjusting at the beginning of the year.

13.Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The ex. . .but it was expected. Some things never change.

14.Where did most of your money go?
Lawyer, school. . .bills and stuff.

15.What events did you get really, really, really excited about?
My vacation to Nova Scotia

16.What song will always remind you of 2012?
Tom Petty's You Don't Know How It Feels . . . I played it a lot.


17.Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or Sadder? Sadder.

ii. Thinner or Fatter? Fatter :(

iii. Richer or Poorer? Poorer.

18.What do you wish you’d done more of?
Lost weight or accomplished more.

19.What do you wish you’d done less of?
Spend money. . .but it was probably worth it.

20.How did you spend Christmas?
At my sister's house. . .just the family - long time since that's happened. It was nice.

21.Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
John

22.Did you fall in love in 2012?
I was already in love.

23. How many one-night stands?
Does it count if it was long distance and you hardly saw the person? HA!

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Futurama, Adventure Time with Finn & Jake

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No, not really.

26. What was the best book you read?
A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry

27. What was your greatest musical discovery or rediscovery?
Tom Petty

28. What did you want and get?
Vacation with the kiddles

29. What did you want and not get?
Moola . . . lol!

30. What were your favorite films of this year?
Madagascar 3

31.What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I worked and it was super sh*tty.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
 Custody, Divorce and debts paid


33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
The dramatic eye

34. What kept you sane?
The weenie tots

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most/least?
I guess I'm all hardcore for Bruno Mars now :)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Too many

37. Whom did you miss?
A couple of folks

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Prolly UJ

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:
It's okay to be alone.

40. Do you have any lost feelings of others.
I don't think so.


41.Quote a song that sums up your year:
"I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way"
- Lady Gaga

*Sigh*

 I've been a little introspective lately. I was thinking about how much and how dramatically my life changed over the last few years.

I was thinking about the choices I've made and the road I took. It's always hard to know if you're making the right steps.

Sometimes I wish I could visit a fortuneteller or soothsayer who could accurately tell me what path to take to ensure my happiness but especially the happiness of Thing 1 and Thing 2.

I am very keenly aware of how my life and choices affect them. I try my best but I often feel that I am failing them. I wish I could provide more for them.  I know that many people have told me that as long as I am happy they will see it and feel it but sometimes I'm not so sure if I'm providing enough for them.

I'm sure every parent feels that way. I have seen a person with two loving parents and what I consider a wonderful life end up very insecure and not very happy. On the other hand, I've seen someone from a completely broken home and having a parent abandon them living a very hard and difficult life end up relatively happy and loving and fairly put together.

I guess it's hard to know.

 Love this song since I heard him sing it on the VH1 awards -->

That's What Dreams Are Made Of

 I went to my cousin's very awesome wedding this weekend. It was absolutely amazing. . .definitely hard to live down :)

I got pretty drunk. . .happily so and my thoughts only turned to one thing. That I was there alone. I've always hated going to weddings alone and I should really start asking a friend to come with me but then I think they might feel awkward too, especially a guy lol!

So I did what I always do. . .I just danced the night away until my cousins took me home. I don't even remember what I said to anyone *hangs head in shame*

A few guys friended me on facebook. I don't remember them. I think I remember dancing with them but that's about it. I know for sure I didn't say anything weird because I only talked to my cousins all night. Good times had by all - HA!

My babies looked so pretty :)

Walk away and pass me by

 I hate being asked if I'm married. I have no idea why anyone would ask me that, after all I don't wear a ring.

I'd like to answer, "No, I am in fact separated and still working on a horrible divorce that's been in the works for over 3 years! My ex-husband is a controlling and abusive jack*ss and despite anyone saying that they understood why he was like that to me I really don't care and would like to see my twins grow up to either see me with a good man or none at all."

It's very hard sometimes and I always instantly bond with other single mothers; after all it's a pretty big adjustment.

After all this time I realized how hard it is but it's doable. Always a struggle but still worth it. Accepting help is difficult and sometimes my pride doesn't allow it but I know I simply cannot do it by myself.

I still wish that there are men who do not talk to you like you are an idiot, are respectful and courteous, kind and compassionate, selfless and loving. They can think of the smallest thing to put a smile on your face and be supportive when you need them to be. They can be faithful no matter what and love you despite your flaws. I know that no one is perfect and that's a tall order but if I can do all the things I did in the last three years while working on my divorce, then a man like that is definitely doable :)

If I cannot find one than I hope when my daughter's are grown . . .they will . . .otherwise they will have me to contend with ;)

Frustration

I tried the thesaurus to find another word for it, this is what I found.

"Definition:

thwart, disappoint

Synonyms:

annul, arrest, baffle, balk, bar, beat, block, cancel, check, circumvent, confront, conquer, counter, counteract, cramp, cramp one's style, crimp, dash, dash one's hope, defeat, depress, discourage, dishearten, foil, forbid, forestall, foul up, give the run around, halt, hang up, hinder, hold up, impede, inhibit, lick, negate, neutralize, nullify, obstruct, obviate, outwit, overcome, preclude, prevent, prohibit, render null and void, ruin, stump, stymie*, upset the applecart

So apparently nothing can quite compare to the word itself. . .FRUSTRATED!!

I've finally finished my exams - WOOOOO! And I'm working and trying to pay off my debts. It just doesn't seem to be moving at all though. I still feel like after my separation I haven't gotten anywhere with my ongoing and painfully long divorce, paying off my debts and trying to save for my kids.

They still keep asking me when will we have a house again. . .I can't even answer them anymore. They told me today "Mommy, you told us the secret of you getting married and now you're not?" Can't answer them about that either and can only apologize to them for making all the mistakes I have made.

I would badly like to have my own home and have someone in my life. I have never aspired to have anything grandiose. I have always simply wanted the same thing.

My dream was to have a quiet home that I could make my own, a loving partner who would always be there for me and supportive, and a few kids <---- notice I said few because I kinda always thought I'd have more than just my girls but it's doesn't seem likely. That dream seems to be totally crushed as the time is going by.

I simply cannot answer them anymore. I think I'm just destined to be alone and most likely living with my parents and I'll just have to accept that.

Maybe when my girls are bigger and I don't need so much help we can move somewhere more affordable and I can work to take care of them and they can look after themselves. . .but that may be quite some time from now :S
. . . .at least it's a new dream :)

. . .to be me

 I'm only on day 2 of my diet but MAN, it's hard!! I love food. . .I could honestly eat everything in the world twice over but alas my body chooses to not cooperate with this ideal so diet it is. I've tried exercising too. I liked the Dance Party for the Wii so much that I ordered all of them so that I can have a variety to work out too. So far it's great. . .very much like an exercise tape but just way, way better. I think because it's a game too.

It's good to feel sore but it's when I'm at work that I really feel it. My job requires me to be somewhat active. To date. . .I've only seen one overweight person that I work with and she's a nurse. She told me that her weight fluctuates and right now she's the heaviest she's been. After chatting with her some more I realized she was just making the same excuses that all overweight people make. . .myself included. I know it's hard. . .TRUST ME. . .weight is just something that is difficult to maintain for some. I try though to be strict and make that lifestyle change because I don't want it to come back and haunt me as I get older. And older is what I'm getting.

Lots to accomplish. . .studying is going terribly - HA!

Brand New Low

Hello Hello :)

What I accomplished today:

Tidying up the twinsies room. . .not fully cleaning it. . .but tidying it up. The actual clean will have to be done another day.

Tidying up my room. . .again. . .not fully cleaning it.

Two hour nap. . .lol (dreamed a lot about someone *sigh*)

Ate lunch which consisted of fish curry, brussel sprouts, and eggplant. . .really need to watch my weight. Not too many months left to get in shape :S

Ironed the twinsies clothes for tomorrow.

ROCKED OUT FOR TWO HOURS ON JUST DANCE 2 on the fitness mode - WOOT!

Now I plan on studying since I have an early day tomorrow.

Day by day. . .

I Just Can't Stop. . .

 I have a lot on the go still. One exam down and one to go! That might be good or bad. . .depends how it goes.

I think I am badly in need of diet and exercise. . .proper diet and exercise! Must get in shape for Carnival and well, for myself :S I've gained about 20 pounds since last summer so I need to shed that and then some HA! Hope I can succeed.

Hmmm, the loneliness is getting to me. It hurts but I guess it just takes a whole lotta' time :)

Can anybody feel me at all. . .

Well, I'm just alone again. That may be a good thing. When I take too much on, I'm not able to handle it. That's just how I am. It will be very hard for me to come to terms with, but I'll try. Maybe in a couple of months (read years!) I will be okay and let go of a lot of stuff. Just concentrating on getting somewhere in this crazy life!

Yeah, yeah. . .feeling lonely again

Well, it happens from time to time. Don't get me wrong - I have a lot to be grateful for. Sometimes the stress builds up though and I have no way to vent or no one to talk to.

I think that's the hardest part of being alone. I do still wish I had someone in my life I could turn to and just have them completely understand and sympathize with my dilemmas without judging me or thinking that I deserve my sh*teous life.

I think I did have that once but I chose to give it up. That's okay though, I'll probably find it again. I think. . .

Maybe I'm just missing O.G. :P



I keep having this song in my head . . . figured there must be a reason for it. . .hmmmm