I have probably a million things running through my mind at any given moment. I keep thinking about what I should write about. So very random. . .
Well, firstly. . .I informed Kirk Van Houten that I will be going over the lawyer to get the paperwork underway. Unlike Ol' Kirk, I don't leave someone scrambling to put their life together and inform them of my decision at the very last second. I don't understand how I ended up with this do*che. I probably should have turned him down after that first date especially since everyone told me I should NOT date that guy. I sadly think my faith in people was my downturn. I've obviously become more cynical now and realize that some folks are just damaged and can never get better no matter how many pills they take.
I tried to date. . .and really failed at it. Maybe I just don't know how to talk or flirt anymore. I have to come to accept that there are a lot of people out there who are alone and I'm one of them. Heck, I was alone when I was married anyways. It's probably why I feel the pinch of it . . .because I really have been alone for such a long time. For the first time, probably since my divorce got underway. . .everyone in the house was gone. It really struck me that I don't know what I'll do when everyone just moves on. I'm really going to have a get my own house and become a crazy cat lady. It's probably the only way I can happily live by myself.
I was looking at homes in Brampton. A TON of my co-workers live there and it seems to have more and more appeal to me lately. Also, the homes are cheap and may be within what I can afford even if I earn minimum wage. I would like my own space since my parents constantly complain about my things being here. It gets very demoralizing to me because it's not like I kicked myself out of my house and I really have been trying the best I can with my things and my girls' things. My parents' place was absolutely jam-packed before I moved in and it's obviously worse now. They also tell me that I have to do stuff around the house (which I do!) but I still get treated like a nuisance who can't get their life together and I'm encroaching on them with my kids and stuff.They complain about me constantly (to everyone who will listen!) and keep on me about how come I can't fix my marriage and how did I let it fail. Don't I love my kids? How did I let this happen? Etc, etc. I don't really have an answer for that, so I just stay quiet most of the time and retreat into a book or the internet. If it's really bad for me, I just go out for dinner and watch a movie by myself.
Speaking of which, that's how I went on the dates in the first place. I thought about asking folks to go with me but the reality is I know people are busy and that's just the way life is. I got tired of going by myself but the dates as I said earlier didn't work out either. So I'll have to be happy with my own company. What I see happening to me is becoming the mom who asks their kids to hang out with them because they have nobody and I really don't want that to happen so I'll just keep going by myself.
Terrified. . .that probably is the best way to describe my job situation now. I am constantly getting assessed and I have no idea what I'm doing. . .I only hope that I can keep my job at the end of three months. I also hope that I can do it well because I would really like to stay in the job because it's very close to my parent's house.
Well, always trying to end on a positive at least I have a job. I have a place to live and I'm surviving. I'm glad for that.
