Cause I'm the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man

Obviously, everyone knows that songs remind you of things. Sometimes bad and sometimes good. I'm not trying to be introspective. . .just remembering a happier time for myself. . .

It's like that. . .and that's the way it is. . .

Hmmm, I've always worn black. . . I think I'm pretty fond of black. I think that colour looks darn good on me ;)



D & H :)

D & H ;)

What can I say? HA XD




Missin' my peeps :)

So unbelievably tired. . .

Not as tired as a new mother. . .but pretty darn tired! Stressed, angry, hurt,. . .etc. I wanted 2009 to be finished with the hope that 2010 would be better. I think all will be well when the apocalypse of 2012 comes. Then I may have some peace of mind.





Just need some of that Karma to kick in to people who deserve it, amirite?! :)

Still the Owner of a Lonely Heart

My job is not difficult. I thought at first it was going to be but when I got used to it I realized the Transfer and Hold button were my best friends. It's actually a very mundane and repetitive job. I really do enjoy helping people though. I like getting commendations and such.

The one thing I realized though that made my job terrible is that fact that I actually had friends there. I really enjoy talking to them and socializing again. When I was at home I obviously did not get to do that too much. Plus they teach me a bunch of stuff. I rediscovered cricket through my friends there. As such, I was able to speak to my dad about something he liked.

Now that everyone has left I have no one to talk to. My best friend there took off for a week. I flipped because it was so dull with no one's company. I plan on punching him in the feet when I see him. I think I really feel like I have no friends and no one in my life. It really sucks! I know that life gets in the way for everyone. One of my dear friends whose birthday passed told me that she doesn't deserve a friend like me. I thought that was so odd. I just think I'm so miserable for company all the time. But then I see 5 missed calls from my buddy and I think. . .hmm, maybe some folks do like my company.



I must find this movie w/ english subtitles!! It's driving me nuts how much I want to watch it :P

You know how I know. . .

You know how I know that you're lonely. . .when you have your court date and no family or friends to go with you. . .that's how I know.

I understand. I always knew I'd be alone. For a while I thought I wouldn't be but that's okay. All it means is that my sixth sense was right again.

But how can some one be there for you if you never ask? Don't be lonely. . .just ask. . .and I'm there for you ;)



From Mother India. . .hardcore Old Skool

About a Million Things

I have probably a million things running through my mind at any given moment. I keep thinking about what I should write about. So very random. . .

Well, firstly. . .I informed Kirk Van Houten that I will be going over the lawyer to get the paperwork underway. Unlike Ol' Kirk, I don't leave someone scrambling to put their life together and inform them of my decision at the very last second. I don't understand how I ended up with this do*che. I probably should have turned him down after that first date especially since everyone told me I should NOT date that guy. I sadly think my faith in people was my downturn. I've obviously become more cynical now and realize that some folks are just damaged and can never get better no matter how many pills they take.

I tried to date. . .and really failed at it. Maybe I just don't know how to talk or flirt anymore. I have to come to accept that there are a lot of people out there who are alone and I'm one of them. Heck, I was alone when I was married anyways. It's probably why I feel the pinch of it . . .because I really have been alone for such a long time. For the first time, probably since my divorce got underway. . .everyone in the house was gone. It really struck me that I don't know what I'll do when everyone just moves on. I'm really going to have a get my own house and become a crazy cat lady. It's probably the only way I can happily live by myself.

I was looking at homes in Brampton. A TON of my co-workers live there and it seems to have more and more appeal to me lately. Also, the homes are cheap and may be within what I can afford even if I earn minimum wage. I would like my own space since my parents constantly complain about my things being here. It gets very demoralizing to me because it's not like I kicked myself out of my house and I really have been trying the best I can with my things and my girls' things. My parents' place was absolutely jam-packed before I moved in and it's obviously worse now. They also tell me that I have to do stuff around the house (which I do!) but I still get treated like a nuisance who can't get their life together and I'm encroaching on them with my kids and stuff.They complain about me constantly (to everyone who will listen!) and keep on me about how come I can't fix my marriage and how did I let it fail. Don't I love my kids? How did I let this happen? Etc, etc. I don't really have an answer for that, so I just stay quiet most of the time and retreat into a book or the internet. If it's really bad for me, I just go out for dinner and watch a movie by myself.

Speaking of which, that's how I went on the dates in the first place. I thought about asking folks to go with me but the reality is I know people are busy and that's just the way life is. I got tired of going by myself but the dates as I said earlier didn't work out either. So I'll have to be happy with my own company. What I see happening to me is becoming the mom who asks their kids to hang out with them because they have nobody and I really don't want that to happen so I'll just keep going by myself.

Terrified. . .that probably is the best way to describe my job situation now. I am constantly getting assessed and I have no idea what I'm doing. . .I only hope that I can keep my job at the end of three months. I also hope that I can do it well because I would really like to stay in the job because it's very close to my parent's house.

Well, always trying to end on a positive at least I have a job. I have a place to live and I'm surviving. I'm glad for that.

. . .it's the loneliest number since the number one

Yeah, I'm taking a page from that one and posting a song as my title. This one is about being alone. I know there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Now, being lonely is hard enough but being alone and raising children is really tough.

A relative of Dr. Evil has gone through a very difficult divorce and is now trying to raise a son and daughter who are 3 and 2 by her complete lonesome. If that's not bad enough, she lives Stateside. I know that I complain about the lack of things my country does for families but down there they really leave folks high and dry. I'm pretty sure that if I had to pay for my delivery, I'd be in a shack somewhere. But I digress.

Now that this individual is alone, she has come to realize just how hard it will be to do things on her own. Her parents are helping her but she laments at the constant struggle. She doesn't want their help. She wants to be able to do things on her own but is now in a position where that will probably never happen.

She says that she cries herself to sleep at night because she has no one to turn to when dealing with the kids becomes too much for her. Despite this she gets up each day and tries to make the best of everything. I suggested to her that she join this group.

I know that I complain about Dr. Evil a lot. I also do the majority of work taking care of the kids and house. If I really do end up having a bad day, then I can tell Dr. Evil to leave me alone for a while so I can indulge in liquor and ice cream (most of the time it's Bailey's poured over my ice cream with a glass of wine :) and surf the web watching episodes of whatever I feel like. He will comply and make sure Thing 1 and Thing 2 give mommy "alone time." Since everyone I know live far now, he's my only option and I'm glad that I can rely on him to do those things.

Don't get me wrong, he gets way more alone time than I do, but it's still nice that I have the option of relaxing now and then. Which is more than I can say for the Stateside relative.

Bay of (Married) Pigs

So hell week for me is done to some extent. I skipped taking the twinsies to school in the hopes of starting my hurricane clean but find myself in more of a funk than I'd hoped to be in. I was trying to fight it. . .but it came regardless. Cue me eating a muffin with chocolate frosting and sprinkles and deciding I needed to halt the work and watch something that would uplift me in some way.

I decided on something I hardly ever watched but was aware of. . .you cannot be a woman and 'not' at least aware of "Sex and the City."

It really was a good show and I've just watched the first three episodes of the first season. I finished with watching the episode Bay of (Married) Pigs. Carrie Bradshaw waxes on the enmity/pity/whatever you want to call it between singles and couples.

A brief recap of the episode finds Carrie thrust into a relationship with a guy who desperately wants to be married and the point is driven home when she brings Charlotte and Samantha to his housewarming party and finds he's 'only' friends with couples.

Miranda tries desperately to climb that corporate ladder is accidently set up with a lesbian as her co-workers believe she is gay (funny in real life that she turned out to be just that with rojo caliente!). She plays along because it's the first attention he firm's partners have shown her.

I found it quite funny. It's been a looooong time since I've been single but I haven't forgotten what it was like. I was very lonely and I had very much given up on finding anyone. I think I made peace with it and just stopped looking. I also remember feeling like I was just getting desperate for attention and I didn't who I was becoming. The hanger-on, the person who was always the third wheel, or looked at like I was about to steal someone's significant other. So not the case, because that's not my personality. I decided right then and there that I would only focus on the other aspects of my life.

I wanted to get my life togther and save money and travel. At the time that's the only thing I thought about. After a while I think I exhuded that and that I wouldn't settle for anything because I was focused on what I wanted.

Shortly thereafter I met hubby and he "sorta" swept me off my feet. I liked that I never have to put on "airs" with him. . .that right from the get-go I could just be my plain boring self and that he liked that about me.

At first you just want to spend every waking minute with that "significant other" and that's understandable. . .you're in love after all. Eventually, over time the honeymoon dips and it's just a steady stream with peaks and valleys inbetween. No. . .there's no happily ever after. . .just trying to make the best of everyday.

Now after seeing this episode, I get that it's lonely for some single people and that the "coupledom" seems like a big club that everyone wants to get into. Unfortunately it also skipped on some things.

For one, being in a couple doesn't always mean you're not lonely. Hubby works a lot and even when he is home there's always things to be done. . .doesn't leave a whole lot of time to spend together . . .it just leaves you tired and wanting to sleep so you can start early on the next day. I'm sure hubby feels the same way.

But it is lonely. I've told my "single" girlfriend this many times. I actually spend more time talking to her and telling her the goings on and stresses in my day than the hubby. . .would that make her more my significant other than the person I'm married to?

Another thing is envy. Being in a relationship also means you have certain responsibilities to that person. Almost like having children, you can't go anywhere without telling them. You can't shirk off your duties. . chores, childcare or whatever they may be. There is definitely a freedom I enjoyed when I was single, just going out with my friends whenever I pleased.

So, in this ramble I guess I wanted to point out that it's just a different set of circumstances. If you're single you may feel like the loneliest person in the world but then again you can also be in a relationship and be lonely. . .might just be a different kind of lonely.

Also, I wanted to say. . .don't be someone you're not. I tried it and I hated it. I'm always happy when I can just be plain, uninteresting me. I like routine and order. I had to realize that there was nothing 'wrong' with that.

Lastly, I just wanted to say that I hope that I have never made anyone feel like I did when I was the third wheel. I do try to see my friends just on my own and not "force" the couple thing on anyone like it was done to me. After all, hubby and I aren't joined at the hip. I like having the time apart too. . .makes me feel like my friends are just there for plain uninteresting me. That's why I always call going out with my friends "dates" now.

There's probably a lot more that I can say on the subject, but I'll stop for now and leave more for another post. I have to get back to watching "Sex and the City" and then calling my "significant other" to ask her how her day at work went :)