Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Walk away and pass me by

 I hate being asked if I'm married. I have no idea why anyone would ask me that, after all I don't wear a ring.

I'd like to answer, "No, I am in fact separated and still working on a horrible divorce that's been in the works for over 3 years! My ex-husband is a controlling and abusive jack*ss and despite anyone saying that they understood why he was like that to me I really don't care and would like to see my twins grow up to either see me with a good man or none at all."

It's very hard sometimes and I always instantly bond with other single mothers; after all it's a pretty big adjustment.

After all this time I realized how hard it is but it's doable. Always a struggle but still worth it. Accepting help is difficult and sometimes my pride doesn't allow it but I know I simply cannot do it by myself.

I still wish that there are men who do not talk to you like you are an idiot, are respectful and courteous, kind and compassionate, selfless and loving. They can think of the smallest thing to put a smile on your face and be supportive when you need them to be. They can be faithful no matter what and love you despite your flaws. I know that no one is perfect and that's a tall order but if I can do all the things I did in the last three years while working on my divorce, then a man like that is definitely doable :)

If I cannot find one than I hope when my daughter's are grown . . .they will . . .otherwise they will have me to contend with ;)

Thursday, June 21, 2012


I tried the thesaurus to find another word for it, this is what I found.

"Definition: thwart, disappoint
Synonyms: annul, arrest, baffle, balk, bar, beat, block, cancel, check, circumvent, confront, conquer, counter, counteract, cramp, cramp one's style, crimp, dash, dash one's hope, defeat, depress, discourage, dishearten, foil, forbid, forestall, foul up, give the run around, halt, hang up, hinder, hold up, impede, inhibit, lick, negate, neutralize, nullify, obstruct, obviate, outwit, overcome, preclude, prevent, prohibit, render null and void, ruin, stump, stymie*, upset the applecart
So apparently nothing can quite compare to the word itself. . .FRUSTRATED!!

I've finally finished my exams - WOOOOO! And I'm working and trying to pay off my debts. It just doesn't seem to be moving at all though. I still feel like after my separation I haven't gotten anywhere with my ongoing and painfully long divorce, paying off my debts and trying to save for my kids.

They still keep asking me when will we have a house again. . .I can't even answer them anymore. They told me today "Mommy, you told us the secret of you getting married and now you're not?" Can't answer them about that either and can only apologize to them for making all the mistakes I have made.

I would badly like to have my own home and have someone in my life. I have never aspired to have anything grandiose. I have always simply wanted the same thing.

My dream was to have a quiet home that I could make my own, a loving partner who would always be there for me and supportive, and a few kids <---- notice I said few because I kinda always thought I'd have more than just my girls but it's doesn't seem likely. That dream seems to be totally crushed as the time is going by.

I simply cannot answer them anymore. I think I'm just destined to be alone and most likely living with my parents and I'll just have to accept that.

Maybe when my girls are bigger and I don't need so much help we can move somewhere more affordable and I can work to take care of them and they can look after themselves. . .but that may be quite some time from now :S
. . . .at least it's a new dream :)


Wednesday, June 13, 2012

. . .to be me

 I'm only on day 2 of my diet but MAN, it's hard!! I love food. . .I could honestly eat everything in the world twice over but alas my body chooses to not cooperate with this ideal so diet it is. I've tried exercising too. I liked the Dance Party for the Wii so much that I ordered all of them so that I can have a variety to work out too. So far it's great. . .very much like an exercise tape but just way, way better. I think because it's a game too.

It's good to feel sore but it's when I'm at work that I really feel it. My job requires me to be somewhat active. To date. . .I've only seen one overweight person that I work with and she's a nurse. She told me that her weight fluctuates and right now she's the heaviest she's been. After chatting with her some more I realized she was just making the same excuses that all overweight people make. . .myself included. I know it's hard. . .TRUST ME. . .weight is just something that is difficult to maintain for some. I try though to be strict and make that lifestyle change because I don't want it to come back and haunt me as I get older. And older is what I'm getting.

Lots to accomplish. . .studying is going terribly - HA!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Brand New Low

Hello Hello :)

What I accomplished today:

Tidying up the twinsies room. . .not fully cleaning it. . .but tidying it up. The actual clean will have to be done another day.

Tidying up my room. . .again. . .not fully cleaning it.

Two hour nap. . .lol (dreamed a lot about someone *sigh*)

Ate lunch which consisted of fish curry, brussel sprouts, and eggplant. . .really need to watch my weight. Not too many months left to get in shape :S

Ironed the twinsies clothes for tomorrow.


Now I plan on studying since I have an early day tomorrow.

Day by day. . .

Monday, June 11, 2012

I Just Can't Stop. . .

 I have a lot on the go still. One exam down and one to go! That might be good or bad. . .depends how it goes.

I think I am badly in need of diet and exercise. . .proper diet and exercise! Must get in shape for Carnival and well, for myself :S I've gained about 20 pounds since last summer so I need to shed that and then some HA! Hope I can succeed.

Hmmm, the loneliness is getting to me. It hurts but I guess it just takes a whole lotta' time :)

Can anybody feel me at all. . .

Well, I'm just alone again. That may be a good thing. When I take too much on, I'm not able to handle it. That's just how I am. It will be very hard for me to come to terms with, but I'll try. Maybe in a couple of months (read years!) I will be okay and let go of a lot of stuff. Just concentrating on getting somewhere in this crazy life!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Yeah, yeah. . .feeling lonely again

Well, it happens from time to time. Don't get me wrong - I have a lot to be grateful for. Sometimes the stress builds up though and I have no way to vent or no one to talk to.

I think that's the hardest part of being alone. I do still wish I had someone in my life I could turn to and just have them completely understand and sympathize with my dilemmas without judging me or thinking that I deserve my sh*teous life.

I think I did have that once but I chose to give it up. That's okay though, I'll probably find it again. I think. . .

Maybe I'm just missing O.G. :P

I keep having this song in my head . . . figured there must be a reason for it. . .hmmmm