*Sigh*

 I've been a little introspective lately. I was thinking about how much and how dramatically my life changed over the last few years.

I was thinking about the choices I've made and the road I took. It's always hard to know if you're making the right steps.

Sometimes I wish I could visit a fortuneteller or soothsayer who could accurately tell me what path to take to ensure my happiness but especially the happiness of Thing 1 and Thing 2.

I am very keenly aware of how my life and choices affect them. I try my best but I often feel that I am failing them. I wish I could provide more for them.  I know that many people have told me that as long as I am happy they will see it and feel it but sometimes I'm not so sure if I'm providing enough for them.

I'm sure every parent feels that way. I have seen a person with two loving parents and what I consider a wonderful life end up very insecure and not very happy. On the other hand, I've seen someone from a completely broken home and having a parent abandon them living a very hard and difficult life end up relatively happy and loving and fairly put together.

I guess it's hard to know.

 Love this song since I heard him sing it on the VH1 awards -->

That's What Dreams Are Made Of

 I went to my cousin's very awesome wedding this weekend. It was absolutely amazing. . .definitely hard to live down :)

I got pretty drunk. . .happily so and my thoughts only turned to one thing. That I was there alone. I've always hated going to weddings alone and I should really start asking a friend to come with me but then I think they might feel awkward too, especially a guy lol!

So I did what I always do. . .I just danced the night away until my cousins took me home. I don't even remember what I said to anyone *hangs head in shame*

A few guys friended me on facebook. I don't remember them. I think I remember dancing with them but that's about it. I know for sure I didn't say anything weird because I only talked to my cousins all night. Good times had by all - HA!

My babies looked so pretty :)

Walk away and pass me by

 I hate being asked if I'm married. I have no idea why anyone would ask me that, after all I don't wear a ring.

I'd like to answer, "No, I am in fact separated and still working on a horrible divorce that's been in the works for over 3 years! My ex-husband is a controlling and abusive jack*ss and despite anyone saying that they understood why he was like that to me I really don't care and would like to see my twins grow up to either see me with a good man or none at all."

It's very hard sometimes and I always instantly bond with other single mothers; after all it's a pretty big adjustment.

After all this time I realized how hard it is but it's doable. Always a struggle but still worth it. Accepting help is difficult and sometimes my pride doesn't allow it but I know I simply cannot do it by myself.

I still wish that there are men who do not talk to you like you are an idiot, are respectful and courteous, kind and compassionate, selfless and loving. They can think of the smallest thing to put a smile on your face and be supportive when you need them to be. They can be faithful no matter what and love you despite your flaws. I know that no one is perfect and that's a tall order but if I can do all the things I did in the last three years while working on my divorce, then a man like that is definitely doable :)

If I cannot find one than I hope when my daughter's are grown . . .they will . . .otherwise they will have me to contend with ;)

Frustration

I tried the thesaurus to find another word for it, this is what I found.

"Definition:

thwart, disappoint

Synonyms:

annul, arrest, baffle, balk, bar, beat, block, cancel, check, circumvent, confront, conquer, counter, counteract, cramp, cramp one's style, crimp, dash, dash one's hope, defeat, depress, discourage, dishearten, foil, forbid, forestall, foul up, give the run around, halt, hang up, hinder, hold up, impede, inhibit, lick, negate, neutralize, nullify, obstruct, obviate, outwit, overcome, preclude, prevent, prohibit, render null and void, ruin, stump, stymie*, upset the applecart

So apparently nothing can quite compare to the word itself. . .FRUSTRATED!!

I've finally finished my exams - WOOOOO! And I'm working and trying to pay off my debts. It just doesn't seem to be moving at all though. I still feel like after my separation I haven't gotten anywhere with my ongoing and painfully long divorce, paying off my debts and trying to save for my kids.

They still keep asking me when will we have a house again. . .I can't even answer them anymore. They told me today "Mommy, you told us the secret of you getting married and now you're not?" Can't answer them about that either and can only apologize to them for making all the mistakes I have made.

I would badly like to have my own home and have someone in my life. I have never aspired to have anything grandiose. I have always simply wanted the same thing.

My dream was to have a quiet home that I could make my own, a loving partner who would always be there for me and supportive, and a few kids <---- notice I said few because I kinda always thought I'd have more than just my girls but it's doesn't seem likely. That dream seems to be totally crushed as the time is going by.

I simply cannot answer them anymore. I think I'm just destined to be alone and most likely living with my parents and I'll just have to accept that.

Maybe when my girls are bigger and I don't need so much help we can move somewhere more affordable and I can work to take care of them and they can look after themselves. . .but that may be quite some time from now :S
. . . .at least it's a new dream :)

. . .to be me

 I'm only on day 2 of my diet but MAN, it's hard!! I love food. . .I could honestly eat everything in the world twice over but alas my body chooses to not cooperate with this ideal so diet it is. I've tried exercising too. I liked the Dance Party for the Wii so much that I ordered all of them so that I can have a variety to work out too. So far it's great. . .very much like an exercise tape but just way, way better. I think because it's a game too.

It's good to feel sore but it's when I'm at work that I really feel it. My job requires me to be somewhat active. To date. . .I've only seen one overweight person that I work with and she's a nurse. She told me that her weight fluctuates and right now she's the heaviest she's been. After chatting with her some more I realized she was just making the same excuses that all overweight people make. . .myself included. I know it's hard. . .TRUST ME. . .weight is just something that is difficult to maintain for some. I try though to be strict and make that lifestyle change because I don't want it to come back and haunt me as I get older. And older is what I'm getting.

Lots to accomplish. . .studying is going terribly - HA!

Brand New Low

Hello Hello :)

What I accomplished today:

Tidying up the twinsies room. . .not fully cleaning it. . .but tidying it up. The actual clean will have to be done another day.

Tidying up my room. . .again. . .not fully cleaning it.

Two hour nap. . .lol (dreamed a lot about someone *sigh*)

Ate lunch which consisted of fish curry, brussel sprouts, and eggplant. . .really need to watch my weight. Not too many months left to get in shape :S

Ironed the twinsies clothes for tomorrow.

ROCKED OUT FOR TWO HOURS ON JUST DANCE 2 on the fitness mode - WOOT!

Now I plan on studying since I have an early day tomorrow.

Day by day. . .

I Just Can't Stop. . .

 I have a lot on the go still. One exam down and one to go! That might be good or bad. . .depends how it goes.

I think I am badly in need of diet and exercise. . .proper diet and exercise! Must get in shape for Carnival and well, for myself :S I've gained about 20 pounds since last summer so I need to shed that and then some HA! Hope I can succeed.

Hmmm, the loneliness is getting to me. It hurts but I guess it just takes a whole lotta' time :)

Can anybody feel me at all. . .

Well, I'm just alone again. That may be a good thing. When I take too much on, I'm not able to handle it. That's just how I am. It will be very hard for me to come to terms with, but I'll try. Maybe in a couple of months (read years!) I will be okay and let go of a lot of stuff. Just concentrating on getting somewhere in this crazy life!

Yeah, yeah. . .feeling lonely again

Well, it happens from time to time. Don't get me wrong - I have a lot to be grateful for. Sometimes the stress builds up though and I have no way to vent or no one to talk to.

I think that's the hardest part of being alone. I do still wish I had someone in my life I could turn to and just have them completely understand and sympathize with my dilemmas without judging me or thinking that I deserve my sh*teous life.

I think I did have that once but I chose to give it up. That's okay though, I'll probably find it again. I think. . .

Maybe I'm just missing O.G. :P



I keep having this song in my head . . . figured there must be a reason for it. . .hmmmm

Everything at Once

Sometimes it feels like everything is just happening at once. Do you know that feeling? All the plans and events and timings are just concentrated around the same dates in that damned calender!

Yesterday I attended my cousin's bridal shower and enjoyed seeing her as an up and coming bride. I think she is too young (22) but she looks happy and I know she has been with her man for some time. I look forward to her wedding and dressing up my girls, getting their hair did, lol :)

I have classes that I'm taking to refresh what I barely remember for school. It's scary the amount of stuff I've forgotten but I will definitely make the effort and try to study super-hard for the next two weeks and that exam is approaching super fast! On the plus side I'm glad I took the course because I've gotten so much material to help prepare me. . .just have to make sure I fully utilize it!

On Tuesday, I'm going for my first dress fitting for Griz and Da Boss' wedding. I look forward to it but I'm also super nervous about it too. I'm more a friend of Griz and I don't really know Da Boss' friends. Technically, I'm the only one representing the groom on that side and I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job. . .I hope I can do better because they are my girls' godparents and I genuinely want to make sure I'm impressive.

Need to lose weight too. . .must learn more about this Insanity from this chick

Happy Sunday  :)

Mr. Halifax

So I was seeing Mr. Halifax since June 4th last year. It is the anniversary of my friend's wedding - the same wedding that I attended and where I met him.

He actually ticked me off when I met him. I just thought he was weird and didn't know how to be social. I didn't realize that he liked me and was following me.

Of course, after a bunch of booze I started to talk to him. I really don't remember what I talked to him about but I know I talked like I didn't care because I figured I wasn't going to see him again since I was flying back home to Ontario.

He surprisingly really made the effort to keep in touch with me. We talked pretty often and got to know each other long distance.

We fell in love over the time and he flew me out to see him. It was wonderful and a very happy even if it was a stressful time for me.

I was so thrilled to leave London and have him visit me twice and then for me to visit him once three months in a row.

After that I didn't know when I was going to see him again. I became extremely stressed and worried about so many things that I was trying to deal with. I really didn't want the stress and jealously from him that I was dealing with so I called it quits. In my defense I was having so much trouble sleeping, crying all the time, losing my hair and just generally unable to cope with anything.

Since I couldn't change anything else in my life. . .that was the thing that had to go. I still tried to talk to him but I just needed to be alone so I could cope with my stress. I think he was just angry all the time. . .and also hurt, which I understand.

I still try to be friends with him but I don't think he's interested. It's weird because I don't think he's interested in having a relationship with me either so I don't know what he wants. Sometimes I think we should just stop talking to each other because. . .doesn't look like we're going to go anywhere in either the friendship or relationship department. No idea?

Update. . .more will follow. . .sometime!

Hmmmm, I never no what to blog about. I guess an update?

1. Still divorcing idiot. . .don't know how many more years that will take. Can't believe it's 3 already. The scuzbag who doesn't pay child support or see his kids won't sign their passports so I can't take them on even short trips across the border :S

2. Getting used to being alone here. I'm glad to be surrounded by friends and family - it's makes it less lonely since I think there's a difference from being lonely and being alone. I've tried to help my mom improve her place since I've settled in. I told her that it looks like I'll be here with the twinsies for the long haul instead of short considering how much time has passed. Even with paying debt off and taking another job - it would still be some time before I could get on my feet. . .I'm sure the twins will be "how old by then?"

3. Job is going okay. It's just part-time. I'm hoping once I become certified through my exams that are on the horizon that I can be qualified to take on another job and keep this one. Hopefully, being able to pay everything off and maybe save for a vacay for the girls and myself.

4. I talk to this guy. I'll call him Mr. Halifax. Mostly because my colleagues at work call him that because of another friend there who has Mr. Florida :) He's wonderful but the long distance is very hard. Also, I'm just used to men being men and me being me. . .not an easy combination - HA!

5. Weddings! Yeah, I got three of them coming up. Is everyone afraid the world will end so they all picked THIS year!! lol

6. Weight Gain. . .and yes, I'm pretty up there. I need to really focus on losing it because I'm the biggest I've been in a loooonngg time and that's not good. I know it's mostly from me snacking and not exercising enough. I find that I can only concentrate on one thing at a time and at this point. . .my studying is taking priority over my proper eating and working out habits. NOT GOOD!

7. EVERYONE'S GOT A CASE OF THE BABEHS!! :D Okay, not everyone. . .but I know like 5 chicks who are currently preggers.  Can't wait to see all these little ones (Must be that end of the world thing in effect again)

HAPPY SUMMER!

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-supposedly-fun-activities-that-are-actually-terrifying/?wa_user1=2&wa_user2=Weird+World&wa_user3=blog&wa_user4=feature_module

Need Excitement!

So much has changed for me in the last year!

1. D&H is out of the picture --> but remains a friend because he actually is a cool guy

2. Crummy job gone, went back to school and graduated top of my class :)

3. Left L-Town and moved back home. . .still stressed about not having a place for the Things and I but at least we're closer to family and friends.

4. Got a new job, it's not the greatest but hey --> it's better than nothing and pays a lot nicer than the dead-end one so I can spend time with the kiddles

5. For the first time ever, I visited the East Coast to see Dawg get hitched (congrats to him!) and surprisingly met someone there. Crummy dresser but still cute.

6. The same someone gave me some serious bling during Christmastime so we're engaged now :)

7. Lost weight and played Mas in Carnival 2011 --> L and M actually went to Trinidad to do it recently and I'm so onboard with wanting to do that next year!!

8. Despite everything. . .and it is A LOT! Still always want something to look forward too. I hate not being able to look forward to anything. Because then it seems like everyday just rolls into one another I have no life or excitement. Just have to figure out what my next goal will be. BTW -- getting a divorce is still a big priority on that list XD