So I freely admit that I am in a perpetual funk. I have been told that this is VERY normal but it still doesn't make it any easier on me.
I now go over in my mind about all the things that happened to me and I feel very stupid. I wish I was a smarter person. . .then maybe I wouldn't have made so many mistakes. I am learning from them, I just wish that it didn't take me losing everything to get the lesson.
I'm happy that I lost some weight. I wish I was losing more. Heck, I wish I was a size zero. I sometimes look at all the girls around me that are my age and see how much more prettier they are than me and I realize, I really will be alone for the rest of my life. I simply cannot compete. I don't begrudge a pretty girl anything but I wish I had something. A house or car of my own, some money in the bank. . .you know SOMETHING! I don't have anything though, I'm not even an interesting person. I don't run 5 k and I'm not a good cook, I'm not artistic and I don't have a really good job. I don't go on awesome trips and a whole lot more don'ts that I wish were do's. I've never even lived in another city as I don't count the 8 months I briefly lived in Hamilton. Whereas everyone I know has pretty much packed up and at a minimum, lived somewhere else.
I see myself being 50 and alone renting my parents spare bedroom and having my kids hate me for not giving them everything they should have had. I wish that didn't have to happen. I see that loser having some happy rich life and having some other kids while he forgets the ones he had here. Heck, he already forgets them!! Still no calls or visits. . .which is how I can only assume he believes parenting works.
It makes me believe that perhaps the point of my life is to serve as a warning to others. Not everyone can "live their best life" and some of just are just meant to struggle on by. . .
Now excuse me while I go cry. . .
Niks, crying is part of the healing process. You've accomplished so much thus far, things will only be working in your favor from now on. It takes time and that is all we have to bank on. And you are gorgeous Niks!!! Everything will fall into place, don't worry.
ReplyDeleteThings will turn around, it will just take some time to heal, it hurts because you were set for this to be a lifetime thing and it just didn't turn out that way. It's reasonable that you feel this way. and Now you'll be able to spot those d**che bags from a far. It's his lost if he chooses not to be a part of you and your girls' life. Keep your head up!
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