Chaiya Chaiya (Walk in the Shadow of Love)

I jus' up and teefed it. . .


1. It’s 2AM and you are not home. You are more than likely:
Prolly clubbin' with the chickas

2. What’s the last thing you spent more than $100 on?
Clothes for Thing 1 and Thing 2, jewellery and accessories for them too!

3. What do your bank checks look like?
Green and blank

4. Where did the shirt you are currently wearing come from?
Fairweather

5. Name something that will be on your Christmas wish list: a car and home for moi and the kiddles

6. What color is your toothbrush?
Aqua and white

7. Name something you collect and tell us about it.
Hmm, nothing really. Wouldn't want to be a hoarder!

8. Last restaurant you ate at. Who were you with? How was it?
Rainforest Cafe with Thing 1 and Thing 2. Terrible, but after I got the manager. . .MUCH better.

9. Who was the last person you bought a birthday card for?
Um. . .I *think* ex-mother-in-law

10. What is your worst bad habit?
I honestly have too many to name

11. Name a magazine you subscribe to?
Wow, haven't done that since I was a teen!

12. Your favorite pizza toppings?
Chicken, Spinach and Sundried Tomatoes

13. Whose number were you looking up the last time you used a phone book?
A customer. . .and nobody uses phone books. Except for my customers born in the 20's, 30's and 40's.

14. Other than family, who is the person that you love most?
Uh, my friends I guess. . .but I consider them family too :)

15. What is the last thing you cooked?
Um. . .roti I think. Unless you consider when I heat up my moustache wax.

16. Name something you wouldn’t want to buy used?
Shoes?! I don't know. . .junk I guess.

17. Which shoe do you put on first?
Wow, I never thought about that but always the right.

18. What is the last thing you remember losing?
Ergh, my phone. . .but thankfully I got it back.

19. What is the ugliest piece of furniture in your house?
I think the question is more. . .what isn't ugly. . .blargh!

20. Last thing you bought and ended up returning?
I have no idea, can't remember the last time I returned something.

21. What perfume/cologne do you wear? If none, why?
If I could, my Fifth Avenue. Otherwise - I'd love to wear Angel or Burberry.

22. Your favorite board game?
Not too into board games. . .but I like dominoes.

23. What was the last board game you played?
Scrabble

24. Where did your vehicle come from?
My old one? A Honda. . .but I believe it was built in Canada.

25. If a movie was made about your life what would the theme song be?
Everything is Everything by Lauryn Hill or. . .Chaiya Chaiya?

26. You’re sad, who can cheer you up easily?
The things, sometimes a young cricket player. . .but no one otherwise >:/

27. What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to?
Burgundy

28. What house cleaning chore do you hate to do the most?
Behind the stove. . .and other stuff that requires heavy gunk and lots of moving stuff around.


29. What is your favorite way to eat chicken?
Hot Wings prolly

30. It is your birthday. You hope the cake is?
Vanilla and Ice Cream. . .possibly cookies and cream - YUM!

And how was your day?

"I'm on my way and I've got your pass, I'll meet you at the bus stop as usual."

"Okay, I'm on my way going there now"

Jumped off the bus. Hmmm, Milhouse is right. . .she is lollygagging. . .

"Okay, thank you _____"

"Yeah, I'm sorry I wasn't able to get our money back. I'll file a complaint with the TTC. I went to Davisville today"

"What did you do today?"

"Umm, I went to the mall and got a haircut. Walked around for a while. I wanted to see this movie called Inception but I didn't yet. I saw Toy Story 3 yesterday with the kids. Went to Davisville like I told you and just came here."

"So, what are you doing now?"

"Nothing, it's 6 now so I'm going home to clean up and prep for the next day"

"Well, I'm glad you got the pass. You look very nice today. . .so slim and pretty"

"(Laughing) I'm not slim, just wearing jeans that fit me finally. Also, my hair was done so that probably helps."

"But, you know right. . .you are so young. You should be going out and you really need to meet someone and enjoy your time. Kids are good but, yeah. . .like someone to have is better. No company right."

"Uh, yeah. . .I'm . . .just busy and stuff. I got a lot of responsibilities now. A little harder to meet someone who is patient right. Wish it could be that easy for me - HA!"

"Oh ooookkkaaayyy, well don't wait too long you know. Not good to wait such a long time."

". . . . .yuuupp"

"See you tomorrow then?"

"Heh, maybe"

"Take care"

"You too"

My dear (lollygagging) friend. . .I do not share the responsibility of parenting anymore. It's just me and I've got to be consistent. Wouldn't it be so nice to simply have someone show up and gaze at me like I was the long lost Madhubala? HA! Well, that would be something.



If only I could spot my own Dilip Kumar ;)

And it goes a little something like this. . .

Yeah, I know - I know!! Never posting, that's me now. I think I'll take a page from this awesome chicka's book and be a little off the wall. But those of you who know me will *know* me.

"Hey, do you want some of these? I grabbed them for *blank* but he didn't show up again"

"Yeah, I'll take a couple. Do you love this guy or something?"

"Ummm, yeah. . .I guess - he's my friend. I tend to do stuff for my friends right? Don't you??"

"Yeah, I guess"

"Why you always coming around?"

"Well, your boss is my old boss and I'm friends with him and a couple of people here. I come to chill and say hi (and I was going to tell the old boss that you were a good guy but f*** it). Am I bugging you?"

"Nah, it's cool"

"What kind of music do you listen to?"

"Hard Rock"

"Yeah?! What bands?"

"****stani Hard Rock, but they're too many bands to name"

"Wow, I wasn't aware that there was such a thing. I will have to give it a listen. Do you listen to old Gazls like *blank*?"

"Yeah, sometimes"

"Do you want to hang out sometime?"

"I'm kinda busy, going to a party later"

"Okay, good stuff - enjoy your party (well, I tried and you ARE extremely droolworthy and incredibly handsome. You're also kind of a dick and I get that). Let me know when you're free (Greeeeaaattt, now I sound like some lovestruck schoolgirl)"

He turns away.

Buddy, you are literally one of the tallest, handsomest men I have ever seen. In fact, I did not know that men were even built like you in your country or anywhere! You are a complete a**hole though when I got to know you. That figures, guys who look like you often are (perhaps because women like me act dumbstruck far too often around you). So unlike *blank*, who I miss chatting with. Schoolgirl crush has completely ceased and averted.





I don't know why but it reminds me of . . .Nickelback for some reason - HA!

A Poignant Sorry?!

Yup, sorry for all the depressing blog entries. I honestly can't help it though. I just keep going over and over it again and again in my mind. All that I lost and what my life is now. Even worse, what my kids' life will be. A horrid life similar to mine and that was something I REALLY didn't want but I hope that it doesn't come to that.

Just came back from work. I feel terrible when I go there now because I have no time to talk to my friends from work anymore. Our breaks and lunches are so short that I just stay at my desk and drink and ensure or snack on a granola bar. I used to really look forward to going because when I was in training, although I was stressed about learning everything - at least I got to interact with folks. Now I just interact with d*ckhead customers all day. I honestly want to tell them to just go to other providers and stop thinking everything is free you cheap money-grubbing jerks!! But alas, I really need the job and can only hope that I still have one at the end of this week :S

I find I also look forward to seeing my floor support guys. They are so insanely nice. The one pervy indian guy who is always telling me to relax baby and stop being such a girl is actually a huge sweetheart. He ALWAYS comes and helps me and takes out so much time to explain things to me. So does the one-armed guy, yup he just has one arm(which I didn't realize for an entire week!) but is also incredibly sweet. I find they really try to boost us when we are there which is so wonderful of them. Honestly, they don't have to be as nice to us as they are and we've been calling them the wrong names for ages now but they are totally cool. I can only hope that I keep my job and return the favour to someone in my position one day.

It's not just that too. I was depressed before I went into work (please reference previous post) and inbetween the jerk customers - they really made me laugh. They said it was their duty since I seemed down today. Good folks like that are what makes the world go round :) As of right this second. . .they are my heroes - HA!

Nervous Breakdown coming soon. . .

On Saturday I filed for divorce finally. Giving Kirk what he wanted. He no longer has to see, speak or hear of me ever again. Looks like he feels the same way about his kids most of the time.

I was depressed about it for Sunday so I didn't do anything for Mother's Day. Also, because it was snowing.

My job deeply depresses me too because I honestly don't know what I'm doing and I am trying but it's just difficult for me to grasp everything. I'm not so young anymore and this is something (math) that is just not my forte.

Today, the weekend was over and the first thing to greet me in the morning was my mom cursing me out for being a horrible mother and never doing anything but sleep, work and eat. I do not believe this is true but my shift changed so I'm not here to spend the nights with the girls anymore. I'll also be working weekends so that doesn't make it any easier. As my mom pointed out I just left them and didn't bother with them anymore. I knew this was going to happen when I started working nights. I had told them that this would be the shift I have to work and that the training would be nice for a while.

I didn't bother answering her. All they do is complain to me even though I feel depressed all the time - honestly, I just feel like committing suicide at this point it's just that depressing for me. I don't go anywhere either because I know they will complain about it. The only place I went to on Saturday was to file the papers and to clear up my credit card. That was about it. I really wish I lived on my own somewhere REALLY far from here. If I could, I would just pack up and move to some nowhere town in Ontario. I'm alone all the time anyways. I may as well take my kids with me and just get gone. That's what I really feel like doing. It's what I felt like doing in the first place when I was with Kirk.

Off to do more crying and crying and crying.

Here I Go. . .

Okay, a quickie as I shortly have to go to the horrid fest that is my job :( Believe it or not I actually count down the time until the shift is done and always secretly hope the systems go down. As you can gather I deal with a lot of d*cks and have absolutely no clue what I'm doing!!!

In any case, another depressing note. But first, let me thank my friends for trying to lift me up - you all know who you are and I would be in far worse shambles without you there to lift me up.

I will be starting my divorce proceedings on Monday.

I only have one more thing to hand in to my lawyer (my tax returns) which my good friend Griz will help me with on the weekend and then the ball will get rolling.

Despite the fact that Kirk Van Houten is a d**chebag, and I assure you - he most assuredly is. I still feel like I've been shorted and lost everything. The house I got for my kids to grow up in is gone as is all our stuff. The car my parents bought for me, all the efforts I put into the home I formerly had. . .just . . .gone. It's very depressing to have all these plans for wanting to raise your kids better and to have more than what you had to now be fighting for use of a whole closet.

My kids are unhappy and I am unhappy. Even as I sit here typing this I think about how my girls brought me some beautiful roses and paper tissue roses for mother's day and how I should be giving them so much more in return and I simply cannot do that anymore. I had a beautiful crystal vase that I would have put it in if I were still living in Hamilton but he has it now and I have nowhere to put their wonderful gift because I have nothing of my own except the clothes on my back. I also have some clothes on their back because of my wonderful friend Griz!

So now as I panic while the time draws closer for me to go to work. . .I will see what our legal system can offer me back in due time.

i wish

So I freely admit that I am in a perpetual funk. I have been told that this is VERY normal but it still doesn't make it any easier on me.

I now go over in my mind about all the things that happened to me and I feel very stupid. I wish I was a smarter person. . .then maybe I wouldn't have made so many mistakes. I am learning from them, I just wish that it didn't take me losing everything to get the lesson.

I'm happy that I lost some weight. I wish I was losing more. Heck, I wish I was a size zero. I sometimes look at all the girls around me that are my age and see how much more prettier they are than me and I realize, I really will be alone for the rest of my life. I simply cannot compete. I don't begrudge a pretty girl anything but I wish I had something. A house or car of my own, some money in the bank. . .you know SOMETHING! I don't have anything though, I'm not even an interesting person. I don't run 5 k and I'm not a good cook, I'm not artistic and I don't have a really good job. I don't go on awesome trips and a whole lot more don'ts that I wish were do's. I've never even lived in another city as I don't count the 8 months I briefly lived in Hamilton. Whereas everyone I know has pretty much packed up and at a minimum, lived somewhere else.

I see myself being 50 and alone renting my parents spare bedroom and having my kids hate me for not giving them everything they should have had. I wish that didn't have to happen. I see that loser having some happy rich life and having some other kids while he forgets the ones he had here. Heck, he already forgets them!! Still no calls or visits. . .which is how I can only assume he believes parenting works.

It makes me believe that perhaps the point of my life is to serve as a warning to others. Not everyone can "live their best life" and some of just are just meant to struggle on by. . .

Now excuse me while I go cry. . .