Gardening 101 or G*dd*mnf*ck*ng Pl*nts

Yeah, that's right. . .Pl*nts is a swear word from now on!!

So for those who didn't know this. . .I suppose the lurkers if I have any ( I sincerely doubt it) I grew up in the Concrete Jungle.

I mean this quite literally. My schoolyard didn't actually have grass until I was in about grade 3 or 4. I lived in an apartment all my life and only recently have a genuine front yard and backyard. I suppose since I had never had one before I decided to go all out and get the biggest possible yard I could get.

The folks who lived in the house before Dr. Evil and I moved in did not take care of the yard at all but I figured, I could fix that. I had the excitement of someone who was ready to fix things up. I also thought I had the money for that fixing up too but the too much debt status has sent plans a little awry so I had to adjust. Here is what I've learned. . .

1. Don't buy a house with the biggest yard possible

2. Don't use/buy a push mower. It feels like shoving an extremely heavy vacuum over an extremely pitted terrain.

3. Pushing uphill is a lot harder than pushing downhill (a.k.a. buy a home with a yard that doesn't slope)

4. Don't volunteer to do all the gardening (thus saving you from asking Dr. Evil from doing the patch you left and complimenting/lying to him that he looks just as hot as when Don Draper used his push mower)

5. Don't be afraid/grossed out by worms (also inform children that unlike the book; fried worms are not in fact delicious)

6. Make sure you do in fact have some A5-35 or some variant thereof available in the house for the amount of pain you will be in after doing said yard work (in my case an awful lot since I'm not a fan of exercising)

7. Don't go out in 20 degree weather to mow the lawn; even if it's already 5:00 p.m. it's still freakin' HOT!!

8. Make sure you cut your nails before gardening as the feeling of them breaking is indeed quite painful. (Also, they will shortly be black)

9. Birds do indeed laugh at human beings.


10. Don't forget the bug repellent especially if you are the extreme magnet of attracting mosquitoes (also, keep some type of calamine lotion handy)

Yeah, so that's what I've learned so far. Next time I'll take a before and after picture and you can tell me how I'm doing. Little by little. . .I'll get there o_O

Stupid Pl*nts.