About a Million Things

I have probably a million things running through my mind at any given moment. I keep thinking about what I should write about. So very random. . .

Well, firstly. . .I informed Kirk Van Houten that I will be going over the lawyer to get the paperwork underway. Unlike Ol' Kirk, I don't leave someone scrambling to put their life together and inform them of my decision at the very last second. I don't understand how I ended up with this do*che. I probably should have turned him down after that first date especially since everyone told me I should NOT date that guy. I sadly think my faith in people was my downturn. I've obviously become more cynical now and realize that some folks are just damaged and can never get better no matter how many pills they take.

I tried to date. . .and really failed at it. Maybe I just don't know how to talk or flirt anymore. I have to come to accept that there are a lot of people out there who are alone and I'm one of them. Heck, I was alone when I was married anyways. It's probably why I feel the pinch of it . . .because I really have been alone for such a long time. For the first time, probably since my divorce got underway. . .everyone in the house was gone. It really struck me that I don't know what I'll do when everyone just moves on. I'm really going to have a get my own house and become a crazy cat lady. It's probably the only way I can happily live by myself.

I was looking at homes in Brampton. A TON of my co-workers live there and it seems to have more and more appeal to me lately. Also, the homes are cheap and may be within what I can afford even if I earn minimum wage. I would like my own space since my parents constantly complain about my things being here. It gets very demoralizing to me because it's not like I kicked myself out of my house and I really have been trying the best I can with my things and my girls' things. My parents' place was absolutely jam-packed before I moved in and it's obviously worse now. They also tell me that I have to do stuff around the house (which I do!) but I still get treated like a nuisance who can't get their life together and I'm encroaching on them with my kids and stuff.They complain about me constantly (to everyone who will listen!) and keep on me about how come I can't fix my marriage and how did I let it fail. Don't I love my kids? How did I let this happen? Etc, etc. I don't really have an answer for that, so I just stay quiet most of the time and retreat into a book or the internet. If it's really bad for me, I just go out for dinner and watch a movie by myself.

Speaking of which, that's how I went on the dates in the first place. I thought about asking folks to go with me but the reality is I know people are busy and that's just the way life is. I got tired of going by myself but the dates as I said earlier didn't work out either. So I'll have to be happy with my own company. What I see happening to me is becoming the mom who asks their kids to hang out with them because they have nobody and I really don't want that to happen so I'll just keep going by myself.

Terrified. . .that probably is the best way to describe my job situation now. I am constantly getting assessed and I have no idea what I'm doing. . .I only hope that I can keep my job at the end of three months. I also hope that I can do it well because I would really like to stay in the job because it's very close to my parent's house.

Well, always trying to end on a positive at least I have a job. I have a place to live and I'm surviving. I'm glad for that.

Happy Birthday Lee!!!

Yeah, no real reason to be on here. . . just wanted to wish Lee a Happy 29th Birthday! All the best girlie :P


Some good ol' MJ for ya :)

Currently. . .

The drama that is moi :P

Okay, negative out of the way first so I can end with the positive.

Kirk Van Houten came over and took me and the kiddles out for dinner on Friday. Mind you - we haven't seen him in weeks now. No calls, no emails, nothing. Also, he still showed up with nothing except a few papers for me to apply for additional benefits for my kids. But nothing like the things I actually asked for. Such as, my clothes, their clothes, my sewing machine, money, etc, etc, etc,. and most importantly - my tax returns which I need in order to file for a divorce.

Oh and he took us to craptacular Pizza Hut. He has some obsession with the place since he used to work there. I have no idea why, the food really sucks. Not that I don't appreciate the free meal. . .but honestly. . .my stomach has a better time with Taco Bell.

On to some positive.

I finished my first week of my new job. It was pretty nice. The pay is still terrible but otherwise, everything else has been pretty good so far. Lots to learn.

I've got a lawyer as of Wednesday so I can finally start proceedings against Kirk there. Just the beginning but at least I've got some direction. Lots to do on my end and I'm thinking I should invest in a printer/scanner because of all the paperwork coming my way.

And lastly, I feel better now. I can honestly and finally say that I'm over the guy and I don't love him anymore. How can I say this? Because I don't hate him either. I've forgiven him. Of course, that does not mean that I still won't fight him for everything (because he's still a d-bag)but the relationship part I can put to rest. He told me that I was right about his loser friend living with him. I guess the fact that the guy is a leech and a loser and lazy finally dawned upon him. I thought that was funny considering how badly he was treating me to fall all over the place trying to please the guy(which was weird!). I didn't ask him why or how he came to that conclusion because . . .I really didn't care.

A happy me for now and hopefully an even happier me this time next year, that's how I like it :)

Now I'm off to watch Sliding Doors, hence the image - good movie :P

Why Chat Roulette May Not Be For You . . .

Slightly NSF

True Story.

Girl: Hi, how are you?
Guy: I'm good, how are you?
Girl: I'm good
Guy: So, what are you up to?
Girl: Nothing much, just chatting with you :)
Guy: You're really cute
Girl: Thank you that's sweet. You're cute too.
Guy: So, what do you like to do.
Girl: Lotsa stuff, hang out, watch tv, the usual
Guy: Oh yeah, what are you into?
Girl: Hm? Lol - are you asking me that because you're 24? You younger guys :)
Guy: Oh yeah, you're bad huh. Liking younger guys ;)
Girl: Wow, younger guys are exactly as I remember them - lol
Guy: So c'mon cutie what are you into?
Girl: I'm into. . . BDSM
Guy: Oh yeah, is that like a** up, face down and me pulling on your hair?
Girl: No, more like chains, whips, leather, bondage, handcuffs and generally pain. Not many guys I know are into that sort of thing.
Guy: Oooohhh, HOT! You're turning me on.
Girl: LOL
Guy: Hey girl, you like this *guy whips out d*ck and strokes in on webcam*
Girl: Oh yeah, that's hot - wish I could burn it.
Guy: What??!!
Girl: Yeah, I told you. I'm into B-D-S-M. I'd pour candlewax on it or stomp on it like a mofo. I like PAIN remember?
Guy:. . . . . . .
Guy: Um, totally forgot I'm really a super g*y f*gg*t
Girl: Awesome :)
Guy: *this user has disconnected*
Girl: Ah well. . .I thought I had a keeper :P

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

Sorry, I know I'm a day late. I actually went out. The depression was deeply crushing. I enjoyed LAZERS!!! PEW! PEW! The preview for Tron looked cool and I watched Alice in Wonderland in 3D. The drunken revellers were in full blast last night but they were gone by 11. If it was St. Patrick's day on a weekend I'm sure it would have been a very different story. Besides jumping over puke spots and beer bottles on the subway - fun was had by me. No point in waiting for someone to do things with - just gotta go by myself!

Below is Advice Leprechaun - Image is NSFW (sorta - mostly do to swears :P)

Cheers Mate!

Slowly but surely

So I'm still angry. Sad, depressed, scared. . .you name it. But that's normal and I accept that. I hope I eventually come to acceptance and move on with my life. Week after week goes by and I just feel stagnant. Waiting and wanting something to change.

Kirk isn't much help. I ask him for my clothes and the girls' clothes. Still waiting on it. He writes he'll figure it out and get back to me. I'm not sure what that means. Does he plan on holding our clothes hostage? So really, no idea. If he's being sneaky again. . .okay, I understand that. It's a shame he simply can't or maybe doesn't know how to me honest. Hopefully, we'll be able to resolve things and yes - despite the fact I really hate him, I hope I can find some measure of friendship with him for my kids. Although, it would probably be more like acquaintances now. I think the further I have him from my life the happier I can finally be and I'm sure it's the same for him.

As for the casualties, my girls I hope they will be okay. I try to keep up a sense of routine and they seem pretty good. Going to school and going out. I signed them up for dance classes which they will start next week. I talk to them and try to make sure that they are not getting distressed. Of course, I have told Kirk that he can call them and see them here when he wants. I'm not going to pester him about doing it anymore though. If he wants to call or to see them he's free to do so. Hope he actually takes the opportunity.

Updatish Post

Okay, so here's my situation now. I've been separated since November but quite honestly I think Kirk Van Houten checked out of the marriage long before that. I now live in Toronto again. Shacked up with my parents. I've been someone who always does what they have to do to survive and now is no exception. I've been living here since November, not an ideal situation but I hope that I will be able to change that in time. Just have to be patient.

I met with Kirk Van Houten to discuss what I wanted in regards to the separation. This would include most of the furniture (which was gifted to me anyways) and money for a car, proceeds from the house (which I consider reasonable since I will be losing a pension, income, etc.), to be free and clear of debt (One of the problems with Kirk was his constant and incessant habit of going into debt) and of course, child and spousal support. I hope that he will be amicable in this sense and allow me the things I want. I don't think he seems to understand that yes, he may find it a bit brutal in the next two or three years but after that - with his income; he'd be living free and clear since I would be absorbing all the costs in the future. I can only hope for the best.

As for my girls, they are coping. I wish I could buy a new home for them right now and carry on with taking care of them. Taking them out to play and on trips so they don't have to cope with all that's going on. I think Kirk Van Houten could do more regarding spending time with them but it seems like he's just set on himself. He told me on Saturday that he had plans to meet with friends and go out. I thought - how typical of you, instead of spending time with your children, you're racing off to party with friends. Well, that's why we can't work out. I will always put my kids first as my priority and Kirk Van Houten will always put himself first. More updates will follow soon :)